Written by Natasha
I don’t know how often love is supposed to come back around. I don’t know how many chances you get to get it right with the right one. I don’t know how many times you get to press reset, go back in time and start over again. But when love finds you, however many times it finds you, let it capture you.
I never thought in a 1,000 years. I’d be here. Where am I, you ask? I’m in the time and place and space of so many memories. Memories I thought were gone, lost and forgotten forever. Memories that I buried so deep inside myself that I never thought I’d see the faces of them again. I’m in the place in life where I never thought I’d get that second chance. That reset button. That option to go back into time.
Let’s rewind …
About 15 years ago, I fell in love. I fell in love hard. Young and naïve; I was only 16 years old and experiencing life and what it all means. And there she was. In the midst of an internal, ongoing battle that oftentimes was expressed negatively on the outside in the form of low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. There was this other form. This other body. This other person. She came into my life and shook me up like a beautiful disaster.
Who she really was, who she became to me and what she meant to me, unfolded over the course of nine months. You can bear a child in that amount of time. She gave me life. Made me feel as if I could do anything, could be anyone and I could go anyplace with her. Of course like any great love story, like any beautiful disaster, there was something that overshadowed us. The darkest cloud. We were girls. She was a girl and I was a girl.
In a perfect world it would not have mattered, right? But we didn’t live in a perfect world. We lived in a world where I came from a strong Christian background. We lived in a world where you don’t date the same-sex especially at 16 years old. And, I’m not referring to nowadays where “It’s cool to be gay” at like 12. I lived in a time and space where I was the ONLY 16 year old I knew going through what I was going through. And I battled right along side her until the day our relationship had to end.
Everyone has their views when it comes to sexuality and what’s supposed to be or not be. I have made many attempts to “de-gay” myself. Whether that was believing what I had with her was just a phase. Or attempting to give it to “God.” Or completely repressing anything remotely relating to her for the past 12 years. But when you feel something as strongly as I did, you just can’t act like it never existed. As a matter of fact, I can’t name anything you can brush off as if it never existed. Not anything of real value anyway. But boy oh boy have I tried! However, that part of me always came to the surface every time I drank anything alcoholic. Every girl in the room was subject to getting hit on by me, regardless of my status.
I have learned over the course of the years that as much as I tried to rid myself of these feelings, purged myself, repress it, throw it away, act as if it wasn’t real—I just can’t do that with love. I have to allow it to run its course.