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Love Stories & Weddings

11 Reasons Black Lesbians Can’t Find a Good Woman

Written by Zamara Perri

Your actions are most likely telling women to stay away.

Your actions are most likely telling women to stay away. Photo by Monica Moraru

  1. You don’t take care of yourself. The way you present yourself to the world is important. You often won’t have a second chance to make a first impression. You may think of it as being superficial, but it’s truly not. It’s a signal of how much you value yourself. If you take care of yourself emotionally, physically and mentally it often shows on the outside.
  2. You have an attitude. No matter how cute you are or how much professional success you have, nobody wants to put up with a woman who has a nasty attitude. Swag is cute and all, but if you don’t treat women with RESPECT, then don’t be surprised that you’re alone.
  3. You don’t see her because she doesn’t look how you want her to. Attraction is definitely important in romantic relationships, but sometimes you automatically dismiss potential mates without even realizing it. You’re busy judging her because she has a kid, dated men in the past or is doing a job that doesn’t make enough money for you. Or maybe she’s older or looks like a stud and you’re only interested in femmes.
  4. You’re looking in the wrong place. If you’re in a small town, your soul mate is most likely not next door. So open your mind to traveling for love. Try online dating and be open to a long distance relationship.
  5. You’re not looking at all. You expect her to magically show up on your doorstep without doing any work. And I’m talking to you femmes who are always waiting for a stud to approach you. Smile, flirt or buy her a drink.
  6. You complain about being single too much. Our thoughts create our reality. Once you say you can’t find a good woman, you’re letting the universe know that you don’t want a good woman. Talk about what you want, not what you don’t have.
  7. You’re not ready for true commitment. You’re petty af, not ready to compromise and have a rigid views of relationships and gender roles.
  8. You’ve got baggage and you think someone else will distract you from solving your own issues or will magically fix all your problems. A grown woman doesn’t find that cute in the least.
  9. You’re not done learning how to be in relationship or be alone. I never think of any relationship as a waste but as a lesson. I learned important lessons in bad relationships and while single so I could be my best self in my best relationship. Relationships mirror of what is happening inside you. They aren’t about the other person they are about you.
  10. You have no life and interests of your own. People find passion and goals attractive. Women who have nothing that excites them are boring.
  11. You don’t know what you truly want. You say you want a committed relationship but keep entertaining women who don’t want the same thing. When your words, body and spirit are aligned, you’ll accept no less than what you deserve. And a real woman who is on your level will find you irresistible.

Join the discussion

  1. Leah Glass

    Nice… I like 3,4 and 5

  2. Charmaine Downs

    I’ve loved the same woman for a long time but because she wasnt ‘attracted’ to me, she dismissed me in every way possible. I believe that true love is unconditional and when you base your feelings on things that have conditions attached you risk missing out on some great beings. You can go out on endless dates with endless people. Tell yourself over and over that ‘there are no good women out there’ … yet at the end of the day, your choice was to pass up on a good woman because you chose a condition over the ability to grow in love. Therefore I believe ‘to not be selfish’ should be on the list. True unconditional love doesnt happen overnight. If its something that you know you want and deserve you shouldn’t think of it as settling … but as an opportunity to explore the person from the inside … not the outside. You may find yourself being attracted to something other than what your eyes can see.

    • Leah Glass

      Your comment was on point. I was with and I’m Love with one women for 12 years and it was unconditional. And I thought it was the same. Got with her when she was just got her leg removed. And you never judge a book by it’s cover. We were together about 12 year. But she turned out to be my worse. Any time I go into something I look for that unconditional love. You know the say some people are in your life for a reason then some out in it for only a season

    • Nesi

      That was well put. I have yet to be in a relationship with someone I was physically attracted to. I have realized that with me being a sapiosexual, I allow myself to get distracted by the mental attraction and allow myself to ignore the physical attraction. This is fine and all but now that I am older and more mature, I now know that I was settling. I truly love my most recent ex. She is my best friend but I am not physically attracted to her. She is completely aware of this but she is in love and going through her own growth in maturity and self love. I believe she is one of my soulmates, yet not my life partner. I am longing for a feeling/emotion that I know one gets when they are in love. The body doesn’t lie and I desire someone who makes me feel some type of way just watching them from across the room. Is that truly selfish?

  3. Mrs brown 39

    That could be any race. I disagree! Why is the black women are pointed out. This is crazy

  4. marie

    Sorry to digress. I sent you an email about writing for you and still haven’t gotten a reply.

  5. marie

    Thanks! I will be waiting

  6. Studz Malone

    What a wonderful article Zamara!, you touched everything I have been saying to myself and then some!

    I recognize at least three serious things you listed that are hurting my search for a quality mate. But I must say there is one particular characteristic on your list that EVERYONE on the planet suffers from (myself included of course)

    Drumroll Please….

    Number 3..You Dont See Her Because She Doesn’t Look How You Want Her To…

    This is probably, imho, the biggest stumbling block in our love quest. I have questioned often some lesbians “Shallow Hall” attitudes towards looks,but then I caught myself doing the same thing recently, passing on a friendly, if plain looking, older woman that struck up a conversation with me as she gave me “the eye”…

    She might not have been my type but she could have put me onto the path of the woman that is. (I regretfully realized in retrospect,or just have made a good friend).

    In the future hopefully I, and we as women, friends and lovers, will lremember to look deeper than the skin we’re all in.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Wow! Thank you! Glad you appreciated it. At one point or another we’ve all looked at only the surface when it comes to ourselves and when it comes to others. That’s ok. Growing takes time and space. 💜 Z

  7. insapphicsunshine

    Happy New Year, Zamara,

    Now this is a powerful article that warrants reading again and again. Thank you for writing it. I see myself in a few places and am already making moves to face and open to change in those areas! I LOVE THIS SITE!

    Claudia

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