Written by Sade K. Washington
I am 35, and I’ve never dated a black American woman. My life experiences with black women have overwhelmingly been antagonistic and alienating. And those are just the women I’ve tried to be friends with or come across while just minding my own business.
Once I got old enough to date, I turned to white women. I had some crazy experiences with white women that made me say “never again.” So I decided that I wanted a black woman.
I tried. I actually tried. Long story short, I have found black lesbians to be:
1) Very hard to find (unlike white lesbians);
2) Uninterested in me (unlike white lesbians);
3) Very hard to relate to, as a black woman who does not fit stereotypes
4) Often more masculine of center (i.e. the out/more visible ones), or just otherwise not feminine enough for me (and even still, predominantly uninterested in me).
But most of all when it comes to my experiences with dating black lesbians, I have found the following statement by Zamara Perri to be 100 percent true:
I’ve said I wanted a good woman, but when she came around, I judged her for all this superficial shit that she didn’t have.
You Are Not Interested in Who I am, but What I Have
In other words, when I look at online ads, even if race is not mentioned–and sometimes it is, and I’m never surprised–I can tell the ad is written by a black woman because black women are usually the ones who have a laundry list in their ads.
And most of the list–if not all of it–consists of requirements related to what you look like and what you have, not about what kind of person you are. By the way, I am everything black women appear to hate in another black woman, i.e. light-skinned, long hair, intelligent, quiet, keep to myself.
I realized after my last break up (my ex is from an African family that did not identify with American racial categories), to my dismay I realized that I probably never will date a black American woman.
I also realized that unless I wanted to die alone, I would have to return to giving white women a chance.
To be Honest, Y’all Scare Me
I just don’t think I can ever get past any black woman’s requirements. And then even if I could, black women are too intimidating to approach. Frankly, a good 50 percent or more of black women are not that friendly or never show interest, even if maybe they are interested.
Straight black women are the same way, and they don’t realize that the laundry lists and the lack of approachability are the main reasons why straight black men are dating white women at increasing rates. And white men rarely get up the guts to go after black women.
Both black men and white men are interested in black women. But black men will put their reasons for not dating black women in the harshest of ways when, actually, their reasons mainly boil down to the same things I’ve mentioned.
It’s Easier to Date White Women
I can just do my own thing and have white women come up to me, and so can black men, and so can white men. Almost all of the interest I’ve received from women throughout my life has been from white women.
Why keep fighting it when it’s unfortunately, easier with white women than with black women?
The only thing hard about dating a white woman is finding one who is not going to make me want to backhand her over the stupid shit she will inevitably say during the relationship.
Even that is doable because I have two straight white friends who are pretty “woke” when it comes to race in America. One has even tried to set me up with a “woke” white woman!
Do I Prefer White Women to Black Women?
Do I prefer white women to black women? Not at all. Rarely do I find myself even attracted to a white woman. To me, women of color are the most beautiful women, especially dark-skinned black women.
In the age of Trump as president, the idea of going back to white women is very hard to embrace fully.
It’s a shame, but I can more easily attract and be treated better by a woman who is probably walking around with some level of racism within herself towards my race or who is from a racist family than I can attract women of my own race.
I also don’t want to be alone forever. However, the black women I prefer seem to have an unrealistic idea of the amount of confidence and comfort people should have with approaching them–regardless of how mean or alienating they behave.
I love black women but, honestly, black women make loving them so difficult on every social level, whether it’s friendship or romantic relationships.
Featured image: Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli met and fell in love on the set of Netflix series Orange is the New Black and three years later were married in March 2017. Photo by Jose Villa.