Celebrating black lesbian love and relationships!
three black women head to head in field of yellow flowers
Girl Bye (Breaking Up)

Stop Making Your Ex a Factor in Your Current Relationship

Written by Georgette

Lesbians say they want happy, healthy and long lasting relationships. However, we must bring the elephant out the room. Our need to make our exes a current factor is one of the main reasons our relationships die such an early death. I am not one of those lesbians who will accept my partner having her EX as her best friend. It may seem like it’s not a big deal to you, but when you’re dealing with exes who have no boundaries, that’s where it becomes messy.

When the ex is your best friend, she is always around. She is constantly calling any time of day and night, while you and your current are on vacations or at dinner. Hell, with all that contact it would make me wonder who she really wants to be with.

Your Child is No Excuse

Some people may say, what if they had a child together? Well, I have a child as well, and I only communicate about the child as needed. I have my healthy boundaries with ex-situations.

I think it’s so easy for lesbians to fall into this cycle because of how we were taught and programmed about other women growing up. It’s okay to shower with each other, sleep in the same bed, be there for each other, etc.

However, if you are a lesbian, those dynamics require a paradigm shift. If you are busy being best friends with these exes where does that put your current? It means you’re not available for her.

Besides, how do you detach from the life you had together before? Some say it’s easy. I question that. Memories don’t fade unless you have amnesia. What do you talk about every day for hours? How appropriate is it to be hanging out all the time especially when you exclude your current? What do you really share in common? Oh, I forgot, your past.

Where There is No Boundary, There is No Respect

Not to mention when there is trouble in your current relationship you run telling your “best friend” rendering your current woman powerless as another woman is given the tea on you. We have to set our healthy boundaries and never back down. Where there is no boundary, there is no respect.

You’re Emotionally Not Available

We are not emotionally available when we continue to dibble and dabble with our past experiences.

EXperience … get it? It’s in the past. Learn from it and move on or go back if you want to, but stop dragging others into your mess.

Continuing to engage with your ex only brings about insecurities, distrust, discomfort and very toxic feelings. We are adults who should set goals in place, working assiduously to see them come to fruition. Time out from the games and back and forth.

We can’t enjoy healthy fulfilling long lasting relationships while playing dollhouse. If you are not ready to detach, be honest about it and let people pass you over. You just not available! Ain’t nobody who is serious about their future got time for that.

We Attract Unavailable People

Also, we often attract unavailable people because we are unavailable and may not even know it. We attract who we are, where we are. My nugget to you is, you did great by pulling back and giving back that ring. You are saying out loud that you deserve more and you do. Take the time to search yourself to see what brought you to her and confront it.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, it will only get worst and deplete all your energy. Decide how you want the world to see you, what you want from your mate and set your boundaries and stick to them. I understand the struggle and can speak to it because I am reprogramming and so should you.

Listen, I am not demonizing exes. I’m speaking specifically to the disrespect and lack of healthy boundaries. Situations vary and to each her own.

Get Help

I truly believe lesbians can have healthy long lasting realationships, however, we must be mindful of the process to cultivate it. Part of the process could be seeing a therapist. Our black community has the tendency of running away from emotional and mental health.

Whenever we are physically ill, without hesitation we run to see the doctor. Well, the psychotherapists are mental and emotional doctors and in fact, all our dis – eases come from the mental and emotional place.

We must work on ourselves ensuring we are who we want to attract. Yes, we attract who we are.

My other tip is to honor your intuition; it is your soul’s navigator. If it doesn’t look or feel right, you owe yourself the obligation to address it and step away. There are enough beautiful available and fitting women in the world to love. The universe brings them to our path when we are healthy and emotionally available as well. Trust your truth and keep working on you until …


Image features the following beauties: @jesuis_lafrique @basedija @iammonalexa. Please follow them on IG.

Article written by:

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She is a proud u-hauler who loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking for her awesome partner and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

x
%d bloggers like this: