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Dating

15 Basic Things You Must Do If You Want a Great Long Term Relationship

Written by Giselle Bella

This post may seem like dating 101 or dating for dummies, but it’s not. It’s really basic relationship tips for my lesbians who are tired of dating drama. If you’re interested in dating seriously with the goal of being in a loving, drama-free long term relationship, where you can authentically be yourself, then check out these practical dating tips:

1 Know Her Worth

You are worthy; you are deserving. Sometimes we get so caught up telling ourselves that we are worthy and deserving that we forget to treat others with humility. Remember that she is also worthy and deserving of being treated with care and kindness.

2 Know What Kind of Dating You Want to Do

Be direct with the persons you date as to what you are interested in pursuing with them and what you want for yourself. It is the most uncomfortable situation to tell someone you want a monogamous relationship and then turn around and date multiple persons or cheat. Be honest with yourself first and, show up the way you want others to show up around you.

3 Remember to Court each Other

When she opens doors and pulls out chairs for you, say “Thank you.” Be courteous and remain that way throughout your dating, into a relationship and beyond. Show your humility by showing your gratitude.

4 Know the Difference Between Dating and a Relationship

I once had an ex-lover tell some folks we were together and others we weren’t. Then privately she told me she just thought we were together anyway. Even though I wanted to be with her, I wasn’t okay with that. I had to sit down and discuss it with her. It is neither healthy nor wise to assume and to just move forward ‘as if’ you’re in a relationship when you aren’t ‘assured’ that this is what either of you wants or have. You both get hurt, and no one wants to carry the burden or blame.

5 Do Some Pre-date Prep

If you’re going to ask a woman out, be aware of what you want to do and make suggestions. Get familiar with what she may like, dislike and even allergies. Do not make decisions for her, present her with choices and then choose together.

6 If you Cannot Afford to take Her out, Then Don’t

Sometimes lesbians are confused about who should pay. If you ask her out, you should pay. Do not ask someone out and take the liberty of setting up the reservations at your restaurant of choice and wait until after the meal to go dutch. Déclassé.

There is nothing wrong with going dutch, but give the person you asked out that option ahead of time. Also, do not suggest she take you out and even go as far as asking her to pay. Talk about déclassé; this is preposterous.

If you cannot afford to treat her to a date, then invite her to go for a walk or do coffee or something that meets your budget!

7 Don’t “Date” Unavailable people

It is not wise to date someone who is already in a monogamous relationship. If you ask why not, you are getting the mother look right now.

For starters, you wouldn’t be starting out right and secondly; it probably won’t end right! If you insist on dating someone who is not in an open relationship where their partner/lover knows about you, just know that karma is real.

8 Hands off Your Friend’s Girl

If your soulmate is already seeing your friend, you are better off talking to your friend about it and then discussing it openly with all parties involved. If you date each other secretly, it will eventually come out and tarnish your reputation and the influence you have with the people who matter.

9 Take Your Time

Whatever happens, take your time. It’s easy to end up in a relationship after two weeks, telling her “I love you.” I suggest that you get to know each other and be patient with yourself and each other. Rushing will get you nowhere good. The good takes time. If you feel you are for each other, then there is no need to rush anything more. I made that mistake once. That got me nowhere I needed to be. I ended up resenting her.

10 Do not lie About Dating Someone

Unless you both have decided to keep this completely secret, it is unfair to the person you are dating to not acknowledge them. If you aren’t interested in dating her, just tell her and don’t go any further with her. You may end up saving more than time; you may save a friendship and lots of hurt.

11 Stay away From Dating Someone Because of Status

Here’s the mother look again. Just don’t do it. If you date someone because she is miss congeniality, has some flashy status or is something superficial, be prepared to have all kinds of drama. Date someone because you genuinely like her and because you are both deserving of each other. Don’t attempt to live in the light of another or have the light and success of another be your guide.

12 Keep Pillow Talk Private

It’s okay to share your dating joys and frustrations with your friends and family. But be careful how much information you share about her. I’ve shared personal information with someone I dated and had her go behind my back and tell others my business. I felt hurt, but I never once felt ashamed because I was just sharing what I went through.

It is not anyone’s place to share what a lover shared during a time of vulnerability. Similarly, if you’re having relationship issues, sharing too much with friends can be disastrous especially if things work out. While you all have moved on from whatever situation, they will probably never forgive or forget. If you feel like you have to talk about something she shared with you, it’s okay to just talk to a therapist or a complete stranger.

13 Only Say “I Love You” When You Mean It

Do not use ‘I love you’ as a pickup line, to gain her affection, to make her feel loved or to create something she may not want. I had someone tell me countless times she loved me and how she often saw me as her wife. I was so happy to hear that, I didn’t realize that the person was a liar. When it was time for us to get together, I chose to remain in denial. I wanted badly to believe her.

It’s okay to tell someone you like them! Try that at first. I dated someone where for a year we just stuck to ‘I like you’ until it naturally flowed into ‘I love you.’

14 Do not Blast Anyone you Dated on Social Media

Not cool and certainly not nice. That is all!

15 Don’t date if you aren’t ready!

Do not date her if you do not want to. Do not date her if you feel your intuition kick in with a fat NO.

In conclusion, date from a place of love! Show up as the person you are willing to date. Be kind to one-another and be most kind to yourself. What happens matters, but how we deal with what happens matters more.

 


Featured photo is of of Cammi and Kimi who celebrate their second anniversary this week on August 29, 2017. Check out their love story on our Facebook page. Camyrnn also runs a clothing company called Visyoulize.

Article written by:

Giselle “Gia” Bella is a 30-something woman living in Baltimore. As The Love Goddess for Black Lesbian Love Lab, she happily shares her ideas for finding and keeping your lady love.

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