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Dating

Why Are Studs So Scared of My Success and Education?

I am a chef. I built my business and my brand over the course of 10+ years. I worked hard and sacrificed a lot. I did a lot of free work. For many years, I hustled, budgeted money and denied some of life’s pleasures so I could get where I wanted to be. I was a workaholic, but it paid off. I paid my dues, and now my logo and my name are recognized in the queer people of color community.

 

But here’s the problem, no one wants to date me.

 

Over the years, I have dated my fair share of highly educated women. They didn’t seem to have a problem with the fact that I only had an associate’s degree and three other career diplomas.

But, whenever I have been interested in women with maybe a high school education, they tell me I am out of their league. Or they say they wouldn’t feel comfortable dating me because I went to college. I don’t get it.

Don’t Get it Twisted

I’m not the type of person to judge a potential date by a piece of paper from a fancy school. I will date a blue-collar worker and a doctor. I am not biased in the least. But, often some studs feel intimidated by my little bit of education and my social status as a chef.

I had a really good relationship with a woman who was about seven years younger than me. One evening, after dating for about five months, we went out to an event I was hosting, and she worked as my assistant. Everything was fine, and she had a great time and watched me work my magic. She said she was proud of me.

 

She Felt Disrespected by My Networking

But then a few weeks later while out to dinner, we encountered a few “fans.” A couple of women stopped by our table and made small talk and asked about any future events I was doing. My girlfriend got furious. She said she felt disrespected and that she wants a night where I am not in chef mode.

She couldn’t understand that anyone I encounter is a potential client and people are going to recognize me from my years and years of doing chef work and hosting events in the LGBTQ community.

The final straw for her came a month later when we were out, and yet another woman pulled me aside. We were discussing me attending the French Pastry School in Chicago to officially pursue my pastry degree.

 

My Girlfriend Dumped Me

She worked for the school and when she saw me, took the opportunity to introduce herself and offered to be my mentor. My girlfriend dumped me.

Her reasons were that I was too educated for her, too recognizable and never had enough time for her. She felt that I was going in a direction that she wasn’t. She worried that I would leave her in the dust and find another woman closer to my education and career status.

She was very insecure, and when we argued, she would bring up that I went to college and she didn’t.  She would ask why I was dating a high school dropout with no money and no goals.

 

I Wanted to Support Her and Help Build Her Career

Well, in hindsight, I question myself now too. At the time, I didn’t see any of that as a hindrance. I wanted to support her in getting her GED, going to college, building her career and enjoying her life with me. As a team. But she was so jaded for whatever reason and just flat out decided she couldn’t be with me because I made something of myself.

It turns out this was not just a one-off experience. I am currently (finally) finishing up my bachelor’s degree, and dating has been hard. Once again, I hear the excuse that I am too educated, or too career minded. Women are asking me why I would date someone who makes less than me etc.

 

I Have No Problem Being Proud of Me

Yes, I can hold my own in conversations. Yes, I like to be on the up-and-up on politics. Yes, I make good money. Yes, I serve my community and give back to charity. I earned all of this, and I see no problem in being proud of me.

 

Why can’t I find a partner that wants to build with me instead of bringing me down to their level?

 

Maybe I should look in another dating pool. Maybe I should just not date altogether. I don’t know the answer. But, my question remains, why can’t I be educated and successful and not be shunned for it?

Article written by:

Shiane Wilcoxen

Chef Shiane came out 7 years ago and left her husband for a woman and have never looked back. Specializes in desserts/cakes/pastries. Founded a non-profit 6 years ago in Chicago that serves LGBTQIA youth. Amateur poet and author. Mother. Step-mother and step-grandmother. Currently living in St. Louis. Buddhist. Biracial. Black Girl Magic.

Join the discussion

  1. Mary O'Neal

    You haven’t meet the right female. I am available.

  2. Bridget

    You can…you just have to be with someone who is right for you and each other. Where are you from?

  3. Sonya

    You can never apologize or ever feel inferior to someone who has insecurities! Keep being you and striving for more!
    I will be getting my Associates in Culinarily Arts at the end of the semester! I would love to see how you took your passion and worked for the community, and gave back to the community, because I am struggling with what I should do after graduation. I want to work, (but, I don’t want to get in that’s grind) I want to work for my LGBTQ people! Give more of myself to be a positive person for my community.

    Hopefully, you will see this, maybe reach out. My email address is sanzkitchen@gmail.com

    Thanks
    Sonya

  4. Goat

    I ask myself the same questions quite frequently.

  5. Yanique

    I’ll be honest with you, i dont think it really has to do with one’s education, or the lack of one. At the end of the day we are all women looking for companionship in other women. We’re more emotional creatures who wear our insecurities on our sleeves verses men who dont talk about it but still acknowledge mentally. We struggle from securities and the fear of rejection, but men normally jump in head first and just go along for the ride until he make a logical decision. My advice to you is date driven women, confident, and secure. It has nothing to do with money, it has to do with someone who content with the lifeand where where it’s at. Their not looking for someone or something define them. Their just existing and having the best time of theor life until the meet the one. When indate women i kinda interview to an extend.
    I take them in a social situation and see how they react out and about and if they can hold their own. If not, then i dont think its going to work. I need a secure woman who her own person. And also, we have to keep in mind that “broken woman” are more readily available then women who have dealt with what life, relationship, etc has thrown to them. So the answer to that is dont be a emotional therapist. Dont set yourself up tonfall for someone who take that much energy out if you. Im not quite sure your age, but im in my 40’s and as i have gotten older i learned alot about who i was and what i expect out of a partner, and learning to wait on the right women for me. Friends have been my best time comsumer and my activites. Now, when i meet a woman who im interested in who fits into the mentally secure area. I step out and introduce myself, and allow nature to unfold. And i move slow with her to allow her to get to know me. Most secure women will eventually observe me as well. So good luck to you, and i wish you all the best. I hope you will take my thoughts in consideration. And thanks for the opportunity to write to you! Oh i forgot to tell you, im not a stud, im a femine as we’ll and it doesnt change matter your label, it matters if you have the chemistry.

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