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Dating

Beware of Predators Who Promise Fake Relationships

Ladies, stop sharing your dreams with temporary people. There are women out there who are severely mentally ill or deranged. It gives them a rush to manipulate you and give you hope and make you dream of something they have no intention of giving you. Some folks love getting your hopes and dreams up because they ain’t shit.

And some of us are easy prey because when it comes to dating another woman, lesbians don’t tend to have the same level of caution and boundaries that we would have in an opposite-sex relationship.

We rush, rush, rush everything due to a combination of friendship, societal disapproval, the forbidden nature of a same-sex attraction and intense sexual activity.

On top of that, we belong to a culture where we work so hard to separate emotion and sex but yet claim to want to be in relationships. What sense does that make? No wonder we end up getting played.

Folks are out there pretending they want love so that they can have sex while others are out there accepting sex when all they want is love.

Let’s face it. Predators want relationships but don’t want the burden of being responsible for someone else. Family is not a game. But, either way, there are a bunch of games being played.

Realationships Involve Struggle

Do me and my partner struggle sometimes? Of course, we do! But I hang in there with her because she hangs in there with me. I mess up. She messes up. But her sincere heart, honesty, and commitment is part of what made me fall in love with her. These character traits are sexy as hell.

She didn’t pretend or promise me shit she had no intention of delivering. She was honest about her weaknesses and shortcomings. We risked turning each other off with our truths because we did not have it in us for another heartbreak or roller coaster.

Let me speak for myself. I did not have it in me to invest all of me into another train wreck. I wanted a real connection and commitment, or I wanted to be left the hell alone. I enjoyed my solitude and freedom, and if she couldn’t top that, then we could just be friends.

Friendship is ALWAYS a viable option and should be a precursor to any serious relationship. If you cannot be friends with someone you claim to love, you’re going to have a hard time being her wife. We are so focused/afraid of losing out on someone that we escalate things with people who are still strangers.

Or we get physical with someone and tell ourselves that it will turn into more.

We have to stop letting life happen to us. We are adults. We are all equipped with the power to make our own decisions. Know who you are, be honest about what you want and then DECIDE. Playing the victim is a lazy way of avoiding responsibility for your decisions.

Now, back to rushing into fake relationships with predators. Predators can sense when you are desperate and afraid of being alone, and they know what to say and do to get you hyped and excited. They know how to break down your defenses and get you excited over something that they cannot give you.

Pause, Don’t Rush Into Shero Mode

slow down sign light

Some of us are so ready to prove our worth that we do way too much too soon for someone who has not proven that she is even worth the effort. If you’ve been seeing someone for less than six months, she doesn’t have the right to ask you to make extreme sacrifices for her. Point blank period. You probably don’t even know her social security number then, so that’s way too early for you to be a ride or die chick.

That means do not rush to her rescue if she’s displaying signs of mental illness, financial distress or have a chronic illness. It sounds cruel, but seriously, what was this woman doing before you met her? Plus, this is a great time to see how she deals with stressful situations and emotional triggers. Observe, be honest with yourself and then decide if you want to take it further.

A lot of women have this inbuilt sympathetic, caretaker button that predators know exactly how to push.

Once you’ve started neglecting your self care for her, that’s what makes you vulnerable to being preyed upon and leaving you with a lifetime of bitterness and distrust.

When stop making your self-love a priority and rely on her instead for constant validation, then you are in danger girl.

Starting a meaningful relationship should involve mindfulness and forethought. It’s not magic that makes a relationship work; it’s intention.

So take time to value your life and your future, so you don’t get caught up. The psychological damage caused by a careless partner can impact you for years.

 

Black Lesbian Love Lab is having a 50 percent off sale on the first month of our private membership! Sign up at community.blacklesbianlovelab.com.

So, how do you minimize setting yourself up for heartbreak? Here are a few things to think about:

1 Boundaries

Don’t be so quick to give just any random person the key to your heart and soul. You are an independent being who has to survive and function in a way that nurtures YOU. Make it clear to her that you are choosy about letting her all the way in. Just because you have a connection, however strong that is, doesn’t mean you abandon yourself to merge completely with someone else. It’s not selfish to take care of you first..

2 Make her earn your time and energy.

Sometimes we are wayyy too available. There’s a difference between playing games and giving a stranger free access to your life. Date other people. Date yourself. Go on a friend date. Go on a date with your favorite aunt. Focus on your hobbies, on school, on volunteering, on your side business or your favorite TV show. Why should you give up your Game of Thrones watch party? You have no business spending seven days a week with someone you just met.

3 Be honest with yourself about your trauma, weaknesses and needs.

And have a plan for how you want to address them. It’s difficult for someone to prey on your weaknesses when you are well aware of your blind spots.

4 Introduce her to your community of trusted people.

Even if it’s a community of 2 or 3, it’s important to have them meet her. People who truly love you want what’s best for you, and sometimes they can see things that you can’t see.

5 Don’t make long term plans with a woman you’ve known for two weeks or two months.

Ease up on naming all five kids. You can tell her what you are going to do with your life, but those plans shouldn’t include her because, again, she’s a stranger. So, if you’ve planned a vacation for March and you met her in January, go on that vacation and don’t invite her. Give it at least six months of her being consistent and kind before you start integrating her into your life.

6 Watch out for bullshitters.

Know that some folks wait for you to tell them what you’re about so they can miraculously have the same exact life goals and dream. I dated someone like this, who told me what she thought I wanted to hear to make it easier just to have sex with me. So, pro-tip, watch to see if her actions match her words. Don’t let her get away with being unreliable. Let her know you are not the one by calling her on her shit and upholding your standards not lowering yours to let her into your life.

7 Don’t rush into sex.

It’s old-fashioned advice but holds truth. There are some folks who can have sex without getting emotionally involved. If that’s you, cool, ignore this advice. But there are many, many terrible relationships that are kept on sexual life support. Sex lights up the pleasure and addictive centers in the brain and creates a bond that can be hard to break.

Article written by:

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She is a proud u-hauler who loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking for her awesome partner and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Join the discussion

  1. FemmeDelightUK

    This is an AMAAAAAZING! Article!
    WOW! Thank you, not because its anything i didnt already know and practice but because I really want more women to do the same! Thank you for getting right to the point and cutting to the chase in this article. Well done you!!!

  2. Jay

    I just had this conversation with a friend of mine. I love this article because it’s on point. We get so caught up with these women that we forget because we’re so excited. You broke it down. You told it like it should be.
    Thank you!

  3. Teresa

    Zamara, girl you did that with this article right here!

    As a woman who is learning to take the steps to dating differently in my 30’s this article and your previous articles have been helping me tremendously. Especially, since I have meet a woman back in August, we have went out on dates, she has a chronic illness and I have always been the Shero in my relationships and that left me no where but hurt and heartbroken.

    Thank you for creating this space for us Beautiful Black Lesbians who are trying to live our best lives.

  4. Cynthia

    This is wonderfully written. This is the article I wish I read almost 10 years ago, but it adds depth and dimension to those life lessons and hindsight. I was in a long-distance & long-term relationship with someone. She waltzed into my life with romance and promises of marriage. 4 years later, she suddenty ghosted from the relationship, ignoring calls, emails etc. I still don’t know why, but the act of silent treatments, passive-aggressive, and dismissive behavior was larger than the reason itself. Her actions made it clear what her motivations and intentions were. Not mention her moral fiber. It was all the closure I need.

    However, I admit my faults and shortcomings in letting this phantom predator into my life, forgiving myself, and trusting my sense of judgment, trusting my own ability to trust…that was a long road and more painful than the ghosting itself. But, the experience has sharpened my discernment between genuine love and feeding one’s ego. I no longer fear loneliness and discovered the empowerment of necessary solitude. Most importantly, I know what I want. I know what I believe and I’m able to entrench and fortify these boundaries unconditionally.

    • Zamara Perri

      Wow. How horrible. Ghosting was a terrible way to end it especially after all that traumatic behavior on her part. Glad you were able to see your own role in this and FORGIVE yourself sis. That’s how you find peace sis. And while you’re building boundaries, don’t forget to not let fear be your armor, but love-self love specifically.

  5. Shana Taylor

    I see we’ve been through the same stuff! Nothing but the truth spoken! Thanks for the advice.

  6. Kay

    If only I had known this 3 years ago. Thank you. As a queer stem in my early 30’s, I usually take on a chivalrous role, which often leaves me open to abuse from femme women who take advantage.

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