- Threatening: Threats are for people who are too weak to actually take action. Threatening to do something only to end up not doing it, only damages your relationship. If you’re going to leave, don’t threaten to do it, just do it. If you’re using threats as a way to control her or get what you want, the relationship is doomed, so let it go. Making threats is actually damaging in another way. It leaves your partner feeling insecure, which creates distrust. If you’re upset or dislike it when your partner does something, just say so. Talk about how it makes you feel and request a behavior change. A request is different from a demand. Learn the difference.
- Name calling: Calling each other anything other than the name her mama gave her or an affectionate nickname is off the table. Point, blank, period. I’m gonna insist that you ban all of the following words from your vocabulary: bitch, whore, slut, liar, bisexual (just kidding about that one J. It’s just never a good idea to use those words to degrade and batter the woman you say you love. Even if you’re hurt and angry, name calling is never an option. Journal your anger, take a walk, take some time apart, but don’t ever call her names.
- Shut down aka the silent treatment: I’m a master of this. When I’m angry, I completely shut down. But when you shut down, you’re basically punishing your partner by withholding your affection and attention from her. That creates distance. If you want to create intimacy instead, tell her that you’re angry, why you’re angry and then ask for some space. The silent treatment is painful for you both and guess what, no one wins. Plus it’s childish. So cut it out.
- Resistance: One of my exes used to tell me that I was being resistant and I didn’t understand exactly what she meant. Looking back, I realize that we had a very antagonistic relationship. We had fallen in love without falling in like and so everything was a battle. Being in love is supposed to be mostly fun. If every time your partner makes a suggestion and you find yourself thinking of or wanting to do the opposite, then you could be resisting. Ask yourself why you do this. Is it because you literally think you have a better idea or is it because you don’t want to submit to doing something she suggested? Or is it your gut telling you something is not right? If it’s not any of those things, it could be because you’re too proud or scared to submit to your partner, which is problematic. All relationships should have a healthy amount of give and take, submission and dominance but if there is more pushing away than moving together, you are basically setting the stage for a pile of resentment. And that means your relationship is going nowhere fast.
Do you or your honey struggle with any of the above behaviors? If so, how are you dealing with it? Comment below with your tips and help your fellow lesbian sistas out.
Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of Black Lesbian Love Lab. She is passionate about collecting black lesbian love stories. She also loves mangoes, stray cats, natural hair, writing trashy romance novels, cooking for her sweetheart, giving unsolicited advice and hiking. She has had more than her share of drama-filled lesbian relationships and is now happily u-hauled with an adorable tomboi.