Written by Zamara Perri
I remember this woman once telling me that her wife once got so mad at her that she put her out the car on the side of a busy highway. I remember once hearing from a couple who were both sitting in jail because they got into a fist fight in public and someone called the police. I remember hearing this woman call her plus-sized partner, a pig.
If any of this seems familiar, you may be one of those black lesbians who is finding that love is not quite the way you dreamed it would be. I know because I’ve been in relationships that made me question my own sanity. Sometimes there are more bad days than good. Basically, life gets real and you start wondering if the relationship is even worth saving.
Before you make any permanent decisions, first, realize that no relationship is perfect and problem-free. Second, if you suspect there is something not quite right in your relationship, ask yourself these really tough questions:
1. What do I want love to look like?
2. How do I show love to myself?
3. How am I showing love to my partner?
4. How does my lover show love to me?
5. What are the most important qualities to me in a relationship? How many of those qualities does this relationship have?
6. How am I contributing these most important qualities to my relationship?
7. Is this the right situation for me? When and how do I consistently feel loved, respected, supported and cherished by my partner?
8. What behaviors am I creating, attracting and allowing in my relationship?
9. Why I’m I really allowing behaviors from my partner that make me feel disrespected, insecure and unloved?
10. Is my partner truly the right person/relationship to achieve my goal of a healthy, respectful, loving relationship with?
11. Even though deep in my heart I know the answer to question number 10, what is keeping me from moving on?
12. What small steps must I take to remind myself that I deserve a healthy relationship?
13. What steps MUST my partner take to for our relationship to heal and grow?
In the end, our relationships are a reflection of how we truly feel about ourselves. If you don’t like the answers, then only you have the power to change the situation. You may want to use the questions and answers to start a conversation with your partner.
The conversation does not have to be one of accusation or fighting. It can simply be, “Babe, can we talk about how we can take our relationship to the next level?” Or, “Babe can I share some things with you that’s been on my mind?”
Photo courtesy of Charlie V (IG: CharlieV_RH and firstname.lastname@example.org)