It can be tough to know how to implement good communication in the midst of an argument. Below are some practical examples, which you may find supportive1. Time out: When you notice things heating up, one of you [if not both of you] calls a time out. Create a signal that works for you when you get in that situation. Then from there, you can continue to discuss how you feel.2. Grab pen and paper. When your partner says something and you feel the urge to immediately address it, instead of interrupting, write it down. This is to stop you from rudely interjecting with, “Wait a minute…”3. Set a timer: If you want to set a time for each of you to make a point, then start the timer when each of you first begin to speak. You may want to each start with five (5) minutes. Once you’ve each had your equal time, you will find it easier to take turns speaking.4. Question: When the situation seems more than you can handle, arrange for a time out signal and immediately say: “Question.” As soon as one of you does that, the other person must instantly stop and be ready to answer yes/no questions. The idea is to ask questions that will support you in knowing whether you or she was misheard and misunderstood.5. Refrain from bringing up past disputes. Treat this disagreement as its own entity.6. Be wise and sensitive with your choice of words and phrases.7. When your partner speaks, look her in the face, in the eyes. Refrain from looking away in disinterest and making surly faces.8. Leave your condemnation outside and listen with an open mind and heart.9. Leave the scene. If you need to stop talking or need to be left alone for a moment, DO NOT announce that you’re leaving and walk away. Look your partner in the eyes, tell her, you are upset, and need to take some time in order to gather your thoughts. Respect her time if she is the one who says that to you. You display that respect by stating you understand and you do want to finish expressing your discontent or your emotions. It may go something as such, “I understand, but when you are complete with your time, I do want to communicate through our disagreement.”10. If you do not agree with something she says that is okay. You don’t have to, but remember that is how she feels. Therefore, be respectful. If you disagree with a comment or statement, simply say, “I disagree.” Refrain from saying things such as, “Uh-uh.” “No.” “That’s not what happened.” “If that’s how you feel.” “You don’t understand.” The truth is your partner may understand but simply not know how to convey it.11. Be patient. Do not rush and certainly do not rush her. Allow yourself time to gather your thoughts and allow the same for her. In gathering your thoughts, you will find that you convey what you feel in a more sensible manner and with less aggression.12. Breathe. Remember to breathe. Next time you get frustrated, monitor your breaths. You may be surprised to learn that at certain levels and vibrations, we tend to hold our breaths. So take some deep breaths. If your partner makes note of this, tell her that breathing allows you to be in touch with your emotions and not block them. That’s right, when we hold our breaths, we block emotions and become clouded. A lucid mind makes for a healthy processing mind.13. Love her, love you and love your growth through your rough time. No matter what the situation or the quarrel, show love to each other. After you’ve talked out or settled your row, express your love to each other.14. Do not go to bed with a heavy or angry heart. Even if you can’t resolve your issues on the spot, agree to continue working toward a resolution at a later date.
15. Be compassionate to your partner and her feelings. Remember, she is not the enemy. This is someone you love and she is learning and growing everyday, just like you!16. Most importantly, express your gratitude to each to each other for listening and working through it together.
Things happen. Things happen that are out of our control and out of normalcy and these things matter. However, what matters more is how we handle these things. Communicate with love and communicate with truth. Communicate with each other. Then you will notice, not only do you not fight but your disagreements are understood more and you build a fondness, respect and admiration for each other.
Looking for more content on changing up your response to disagreement? Check out “Never Fight With Your Partner Again, The Black Lesbian Blueprint.“
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