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I May be Doing You but I’m Thinking About Her: 7 Reasons Why Rebound Lesbians Never Win

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Who is she thinking about? Is it you or the ex? Photo courtesy of Rainbow Rendezvous

Written by Zamara Perri

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed the other day when I noticed that two of my lesbian friends had posted something that made me stop in my tracks and my eyes bug out of my head: “Enjoying date night with my wife.”

I was surprised because for the past year all I’ve heard from this couple is how they were ready to end their 10-year marriage. It had gotten to the point where my boi “A” even went and got herself a girlfriend. Her wife “B” seemed happy as hell for her. A month ago B even told me face to face that it was over even though they were still living together. So now that they were both wearing their wedding bands again and cheesing about their love for each other I was a little surprised. But not much.

Why? Because I’ve been in the same position. And I honestly feel sorry for the girl who my friend was messing with because she got the raw end of the deal.

There is a saying that lesbians never break up and I find that true to a certain extent.

When two women get into a relationship something extra other than just sex and chemistry pops off. Women tend to form an extra deep friendship and emotional connection that often goes above and beyond what seems to happen in heterosexual relationships. We tend to notice more similarities than differences and sometimes we like each other so much that we spend a lot more time together than a typical heterosexual couple would.

So when many lesbian relationships end, it takes a long time to disentangle ourselves emotionally from the other person. Trust me I’ve been there. Several years ago, when one of my relationships ended, it was devastating on several levels. For years this woman had been my best friend and nothing my other friends did could fill that gap that losing her friendship left behind.

They say the best way to get over one woman is to get under another. So when relationship ended, that’s what I did. I immediately started dating other people even while we were living together.

Even though I told the women I dated upfront that I wasn’t ready for another relationship, letting them play the role of rebound chick was the worst thing I could possibly ever do to another human being.

I know I’m not the only lesbian who has ever done this. Dating a rebound has turned into successful relationships for some people, but that’s not typical. I know from experience that most of those relationships often end with the rebound woman in pain.

Here is what was going on in my head when I started dating women a couple months after my break up:

  1. When I was having sex with another woman, I was thinking about my ex.
  2. When I was out smiling and flirting in the club or online, I was crying inside because I missed my ex so much.
  3. I honestly didn’t have the energy to really put into doing a lot for someone new. I had just failed at a relationship with someone I loved. I wasn’t ready to put in a real effort with someone new who I definitely didn’t love. This means that these rebound women were not getting all that the attention and wooing that they deserved.
  4. When I spent time with these women, I was just bored and scared of being alone. Harsh but true. It was during a point in my life when I didn’t know how to just be alone.
  5. I was constantly comparing whoever I was with to my ex.
  6. No matter why the relationship ended, I knew that if my ex called me and wanted to work things out, I would immediately drop whoever I was dating like a hot potato and get back with her in a heart beat.
  7. No matter how nice the rebound was, my heart was not free to love her and wouldn’t be until I let my ex go.


The lesson? Don’t get involved with a woman who just got out of a relationship. It hurts like hell when they decide to work things out. And they will try to work it out for the 1,000th time. Mokenstef said it best in their 90s video, He’s Mine, “You may have had her once but I got her all the time.”

Ladies, if you’re eyeing a newly single cutie, I recommend giving her at least six months to a year to heal before even considering giving her any of your time be it a hello or a Facebook conversation. There is another saying that I try to keep in mind because it’s real: hurt people, hurt people. Don’t set yourself up to get hurt, you deserve so much more.

And for those ladies who just ended a relationship, the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and any potential lovers is to take a break. After ending her 6-year relationship, my honey spent two years as a single woman before I came on the scene. My friend Giselle took a two-year dating sabbatical. Try it, you might like it.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Pingback: I May be Loving You but I’m Thinking About Her: 7 Reasons Why Rebound Lesbians Never Win | Straight with no chaser

  2. Avatar

    I’m so glad over my yrs. of being in the life, I have learned this… It is much harder to get over women in my opinion… Women share that deep dark passion sum men can’t touch. I’m gonna share this.

  3. Avatar

    I’m going through this now. I wasn’t aware of her being broke up with her ex for a little over 3 months…..when I did find out I had already caught feelings. When the ex pop back up it was duck me cause they had 6yrs together under my belt compared to my 3 months. I’m heartbroken.

  4. Avatar

    Loved this article.. Its so true.. U have to heal from any relationship. Rather it be heterosexual or homosexual. Lost love hurts no matter how u look at it.. Tisha.. I hope u find exactly who was born to love you.. Leave her alone.. She already hid the truth from you.. So allow yourself to heal.. And move on.. You’ll find ur soul mate soon. She’s waiting for you as you’re waiting for her.

  5. Avatar
    sexy c

    Once I read this it became a serious reality check and a major wake up call…cause I was curious about what it would be like to be with another women and yes the passion is so much different then being with a man I fell in love with a well experienced lesbian before ever having sex with her, she was my first lesbian relationship….i showed her more in the months we dated then her ex has shown her in the 12 years they were together on how it felt to be in love…and let me tell you I knew o would get hurt! I knew I was a rebound but I truly believed in her and I she kept cheating on me with her ex and when I tried to walk aww she wouldn’t let me…so I stayed cause I was in love and wanted us to last….our relationship was already jinked that we wouldn’t make it a year and she was right…i knew she wasn’t over her ex I hated seeing her hurt because her ex just wasn’t gonna have anything to do with her if she stayed with me…her ex didnt care about her happiness…so I stepped aside just so she can remain friends and it went from her and i to her immediately opening all doors for her ex back in to her life its been 2 1/2 months and they been a couple since, yet she tells me she isn’t attracted to her, she’s not happy with her, she’s not having sex with her…while in the mean time she tells me everyday I’m who she wants I’m who she is in love with but wants me to respect whatever it is she really has going on with her ex/living together/couple…but this post realm opened my eyes I now understand I was just a rebound and it is what it is.

  6. Avatar

    My ex and I broke up in August. I was hurt and started dating. She saw that and decided to one up me by getting involved with a friend of hers. Here we are four months later and I’m not seeing anyone because I know I’m still in love with her. She freely admitted to me she doesn’t love the new girlfriend and continues contact with me when she is free to do so. According to her she doesn’t want to hurt this girl because they are friends but she lied to her. Never told her she was in a relationship with me, poor girl doesn’t know I exist. I can see the signs of love still there and feel like it’s only a matter of time before we connect again but she’s telling me this girl has already told her she loves her. I feel bad for this woman (but still want my love back) because she’s a rebound and doesn’t even know it.

  7. Avatar

    No one I’ve met is that interesting or special to wait 6 months to a year before dating them. Girl bye!

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Hmmm that’s an interesting way to look at it. Most things worth having are worth waiting for. I guess you just haven’t met anyone special yet.

  8. Avatar
    Necole Lucas

    That’s real!! Very well said!

  9. Avatar

    I stopped loving her but still wanted her…
    I even thought I needed help.
    And when she finally figured it out.. She left… But guess what..I wanted to work things out…
    Was it obsession?
    What was it?
    I hate whatever it is…
    Then I found out she let another guy touch her…mehn…I’ve never been so mad.
    Its selfish, sure…but mehn…and three months later,she says she is over me…
    But I’m not…
    Someone please tell me why not…

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