Written by Zamara Perri
I was scrolling through my Facebook feed the other day when I noticed that two of my lesbian friends had posted something that made me stop in my tracks and my eyes bug out of my head: “Enjoying date night with my wife.”
I was surprised because for the past year all I’ve heard from this couple is how they were ready to end their 10-year marriage. It had gotten to the point where my boi “A” even went and got herself a girlfriend. Her wife “B” seemed happy as hell for her. A month ago B even told me face to face that it was over even though they were still living together. So now that they were both wearing their wedding bands again and cheesing about their love for each other I was a little surprised. But not much.
Why? Because I’ve been in the same position. And I honestly feel sorry for the girl who my friend was messing with because she got the raw end of the deal.
There is a saying that lesbians never break up and I find that true to a certain extent.
When two women get into a relationship something extra other than just sex and chemistry pops off. Women tend to form an extra deep friendship and emotional connection that often goes above and beyond what seems to happen in heterosexual relationships. We tend to notice more similarities than differences and sometimes we like each other so much that we spend a lot more time together than a typical heterosexual couple would.
So when many lesbian relationships end, it takes a long time to disentangle ourselves emotionally from the other person. Trust me I’ve been there. Several years ago, when one of my relationships ended, it was devastating on several levels. For years this woman had been my best friend and nothing my other friends did could fill that gap that losing her friendship left behind.
They say the best way to get over one woman is to get under another. So when relationship ended, that’s what I did. I immediately started dating other people even while we were living together.
Even though I told the women I dated upfront that I wasn’t ready for another relationship, letting them play the role of rebound chick was the worst thing I could possibly ever do to another human being.
I know I’m not the only lesbian who has ever done this. Dating a rebound has turned into successful relationships for some people, but that’s not typical. I know from experience that most of those relationships often end with the rebound woman in pain.
Here is what was going on in my head when I started dating women a couple months after my break up:
- When I was having sex with another woman, I was thinking about my ex.
- When I was out smiling and flirting in the club or online, I was crying inside because I missed my ex so much.
- I honestly didn’t have the energy to really put into doing a lot for someone new. I had just failed at a relationship with someone I loved. I wasn’t ready to put in a real effort with someone new who I definitely didn’t love. This means that these rebound women were not getting all that the attention and wooing that they deserved.
- When I spent time with these women, I was just bored and scared of being alone. Harsh but true. It was during a point in my life when I didn’t know how to just be alone.
- I was constantly comparing whoever I was with to my ex.
- No matter why the relationship ended, I knew that if my ex called me and wanted to work things out, I would immediately drop whoever I was dating like a hot potato and get back with her in a heart beat.
- No matter how nice the rebound was, my heart was not free to love her and wouldn’t be until I let my ex go.
The lesson? Don’t get involved with a woman who just got out of a relationship. It hurts like hell when they decide to work things out. And they will try to work it out for the 1,000th time. Mokenstef said it best in their 90s video, He’s Mine, “You may have had her once but I got her all the time.”
Ladies, if you’re eyeing a newly single cutie, I recommend giving her at least six months to a year to heal before even considering giving her any of your time be it a hello or a Facebook conversation. There is another saying that I try to keep in mind because it’s real: hurt people, hurt people. Don’t set yourself up to get hurt, you deserve so much more.
And for those ladies who just ended a relationship, the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and any potential lovers is to take a break. After ending her 6-year relationship, my honey spent two years as a single woman before I came on the scene. My friend Giselle took a two-year dating sabbatical. Try it, you might like it.