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A Lesbian Relationship Coach Shares Tips for Choosing Your Best Mate

Written by Tina Owens

Christy and Tina

Christy and Tina were photographed by Brandilynn Aines Photography.

I use to believe there was only one true love for us but I no longer believe that. I say that because when I was in college, I thought I had met THE ONE!

There was a guy (before I realized I was really a lesbian) who was very inspirational in my life my first year of college. The guy and I spent a lot of time together and we both started having feelings for each other. He was the first person I took home to meet my mom and my friends loved him. We had God and the passion for helping others in common.

The problem was that he was graduating a few years before me and was moving back to California. I attempted to move to California a few times, yet it never worked out.

After that experience, I dated to find my husband. I knew what I wanted so I did not get past many first dates. At dinner I could tell whether we would be a good fit for each other so if we were not, we would never see each other again.

I got so discouraged because I had mastered being single and was ready to spend a lifetime with someone.

I finally realized the reason I was not choosing the best mate for myself is because I was looking for a man but should have been looking for a WOMAN.

When I started looking for the woman of my dreams, I was not as patient as I should have been.

Meeting The Love of My Life

I wanted my partner and I wanted her yesterday. I met Matres three months later and I must admit when I met her, I threw caution to the wind.

She was what I was looking for and I was ready to make love to her and get to the happily everlasting part as soon as possible.

We have now been together for over five years, but we have had to work through so many issues that should have been worked out in the early stages of our relationship.

Since Matres is attractive, a go-getter, has kids already, we both were ready for a long tem relationship, and are a great balance for each other, I figured every thing else were just details to be worked through.

I should have spent more time in the beginning building a friendship with Matres. We should have taken more time to work through our personality differences and learning more about each other’s past.

We have had to work through those things while living together (plus the stuff you have to work through when you actually live under the same roof).

Here are our tips for choosing the best mate for you:

  1. Make sure you know what you want when choosing your mate. Make a list of qualities that are truly important to you and make sure you have all your bases covered.
  1. Do not allow your attraction for your potential mate to cloud your judgment.
  2. Do not kiss or have sex too quickly. You may think that you’re in love and may just be in lust because of great sex.
  3. Even if she does meet everything on your list, still be patient and take your time.


Get to know your potential mate

You are looking to spend a long term or a lifetime with an awesome woman so do your due diligence as you look for the mate that is best for you.

Some relationships experts suggest that people get to know their mate for two to four years before making it permanent, and I agree!

Dr. Phil and his wife, Robin, waited three years before getting married because they wanted to work the kinks out of their relationship before they got married.

Finally, there are never any guarantees no matter how much preparation is made when choosing the mate that is best for you, but we can do our due diligence to make the best choice for ourselves to give the relationship a chance to last a lifetime.


Tina Owens is a black lesbian relationship coach, who blogs about life and relationships. This article was edited and republished here with permission.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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    Great article ladies

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