Celebrating black lesbian love and relationships!

Are Lesbians As “Dickmatized” As Straight Women?

Written by Iesha/Get Your Life Girl

You may or may not know the meaning of “Dickmatized”, so let me break it down. In 2011 singer Jill Scott coined the term in an interview with Sister 2 Sister magazine. During the interview Jill Scott revealed that she used to be “Dickmatized”. She explained the term as, “When you get caught up in the whole sexuality of your relationship but it’s not going anywhere. Just somebody giving you the good but not necessarily giving you the rest – or not expecting the rest from them.”

Let me set the scene for you. It’s Saturday afternoon and I am sitting in adorable Brooklyn cafe. My table is right near the wall which leads to an open deck. The weather is gorgeous, patrons are hip and attractive, the ambience is relaxed and the music at a perfect volume; smooth and melodic. Just think Love Jones, but restaurant style. This kind of character and aura does not happen often.  Usually a restaurant in Brooklyn is loud, the patrons are rude and entitled and the staff is annoyed. That’s the classic New York vibe you will get. Needless to say I was happy I decided to come out.  As I sipped on my strong sangria, a group of friends sat at the table directly across from me. The three gorgeous friends look extremely comfortable with each other, and immediately start their girl talk. I didn’t pay their conversation much attention. It was the usual, ‘how is work’, ‘how’s your kids’, and ‘what you been up to’, conversations; the customary touching base questions all friends ask.

Once the friends started drinking their demure demeanor took a turn to the left. The lowered voices they started with were now squeals of womanly laughter that made me chuckle. I love my friends and I know sometimes we get a little too loud so I couldn’t help but smile. The conversation turns to sex and of course my censors went off and I went to flinching my ears like they were antennas. I was going to catch all this random sex tea from these strangers. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. They were loud, like they wanted me to hear it. So I obliged and listened!

One woman with a head full of a exquisite natural red kinky curls said, “He had the nerve to ask me to borrow $200, like he’s going to pay it back. You know I already gave him money a couple weeks ago. But I said fuck it, let me give it to him. That dick is so good.”

They all slapped five as I damn near choked on my drink.

The next friend with a precise jet black hair cut and light brown eyes said, “I know the feeling. I’m always picking the ones who are no good but they know how to lay that pipe.”


The last friend, who was just ridiculously pretty said, “What can you do? The nice guys can’t do it right. I want to see another realm. If I have to put up with bullshit for a great nut I will. I know one day I will change my thought process but for now I’m choosing mister big dick over mister nice guy”.

Well damn! *Clutch my pearls* Oooh chile!

I was shocked to hear this conversation. To hear this exchange from absolutely gorgeous strangers; speaking loudly about being treated poorly just made me sad. No woman should accept this type of treatment but this is not uncommon and it would be naive of me to think otherwise. It’s obvious they think they are controlling their sexuality but they are only opening themselves up to men who think of them as disposable semen holes (harsh, but true). I have male friends who speak of women like the ones I encountered and the things they say about women like them is never pleasant. Women know this but still give their power to useless men everyday. There is no power in a man asking you for money, you paying him, him pounding on your insides, shaking off his member when he is done and leaving you in an empty bed with an empty soul to match. I wondered, where is their sense of pride? Where is their sense of fear.  I mean seriously, one in four people has herpes. When you allow someone into your life and bedroom with no commitment or responsibility you can’t be angry at anyone but yourself if something fatal happens. No one can do to you what you will not allow. Clearly all three beauties have issues with their self-worth. Birds of a feather…

I asked myself do gay women suffer with this as well? Of course they do. Let’s call it “vagmitized.” All women, no matter her sexual orientation suffer from staying in a relationship solely because the sex is good. I see it more with women who are trying to fit into hetero relationship roles. You’ve got some women with their pseudo testosterone mannerisms who take on the worst male characteristics ever. They do everything to try to emulate men. From their whorish bragging about having a bunch of hos to constantly grabbing at their crotch (what are they grabbing, a hope and a dream, or is that an itchy maxi pad?); these women do everything to fit into the heterosexual male world. They tend to date feminine pillow princess women who deal with their doggish ways, just like the ladies at the cafe. Both women in the relationship are perpetrating a fraud by taking on bad traits of a straight relationship.  Relationship dynamics change when it is two women versus a man and a woman. No matter how manly they act when they take those baggy jeans off, there lies a vagina. To disrespect women as men would is self loathing and delusional. This woman is not to be confused with women who have masculine wits and tendencies. She is not very feminine but it’s natural and she is not trying to be a man. She is not out to cause destruction and mistreat every woman in her path.

Some of us say we want love like this, but end up settling for way less.

Some of us say we want love like this, but end up settling for way less.

Women wonder why they are treated the same way as when they were in straight relationships. It’s because they seek the same characteristics in the women they date as the men from their past. The foolish qualities girls look for in a bad boy are now the same habits they look for in a bad girl. You know the childish bullshit they seek and like…oh she’s got swagger, she looks so sexy when she bites her lower lip, oh she’s raps at the gay club. Intimacy has shifted from ‘the dick is so good’ to ‘her head is so great’ or ‘she knows how to work the strap’. She is now vagmitized. The destructive behavior she allows to happen has shifted from man to woman. Different gender, same crap. She is used and abused and needs to understand her worth before her romantic relationships get any better. No matter who you date there is no way someone will love you if you don’t love yourself. It’s a simple connotation that many people do not get. There is no other solution other than not accepting what you know you do not deserve.

Listening to the women in the cafe was heartbreaking. You often think beautiful women have the world laid at their feet. I know that this is not always the case but these women were very attractive and well spoken. I just expected better from them. The same applies to some lesbians I know who accept the same treatment from the women in their lives. If you’ve never been down this road consider yourself strong willed and blessed. Unfortunately too many women fall victim to this way of thinking. It’s one thing to be in a committed relationship and your partner treats you wrong behind your back but to be with someone and know you’re being disrespected and you deal, shows that you have some issues you need to sort out. You cannot allow sexual attraction to be stronger than the amount of love and respect you need and deserve to receive. You may try to convince yourself that you are in control and having a good time but when you are alone in your home and start thinking ‘I’m so lonely’ or ‘I wish I had a real girlfriend’, that’s when you know you deserve more than the treatment you have been receving. You’ve given away the power of your vag and are tired of being nothing more than object. It’s all fun and games in your 20’s, but it looks pretty grim in your 30’s and just plain sad in your 40’s and beyond.

Moral of this story, honor your vagina. No one else will. Get your life girl.

This article was first published at Get Your Life Girl. It was republished here with permission. 


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