Dear Ask a Lesbian: I have tried several times to date mothers and it just hasn’t worked out for me. I have no kids so it’s hard for me because I’m used to not having to think about someone who depends on an adult. Being childless, I am selfish, at least that is what I am told. But why be angry with me because that is what I’m used to? I don’t like being last in my partner’s life.
I feel that if you invite someone to become a part of your life as your partner, be prepared to put that person and that relationship FIRST. Stop making that person wait on you while you’re busy doing 130 other things, including kids. I understand mothers have responsibilities to their kids and they must be taken care of. But I also feel it’s wrong to invite someone into your life and put them LAST. What was the point?
If you put me last, I will act out against you and your child. In my opinion, don’t bother getting in a relationship if you are really expecting that person to accept being last on your priority list because it makes no sense.
Dee’s Advice: I am a 49-year-old stud with no kids. Kids always come first. She just has to be more organized with her time. Why don’t you help her with some of her chores so she has less to do? I didn’t hear you say that you did that! I have dated a few women with kids and it was fun! I kept Friday nights as adult night and the other six days you do what needs to be done and have family time! It’s a lot of fun for me. I miss it sometimes.
The kids are all grown up and on their own now and it feels good to know that they love me and still keep in touch with me. And their memories are incredible. They remember everything I have done for them. So there is good in a family life. But as for you, don’t be in that family life. From what I am reading you are selfish and you can’t be that way when there are kids involved!
Johari’s Advice: I swear this had to be written by my ex!! I had no idea that there could be someone else in this world just as incredibly selfish and clueless! Our relationship is over and guess what? I AM STILL A MOTHER!
Monique’s Advice: I feel for you! My girlfriend has two teenagers. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I already invested 10 years with her, I would never do this again.
Regina’s Advice: I think it’s about time management. Some don’t know how. Some think spending time with their partner is taking away time from their kids. I don’t get that way of thinking. You have to make just as much time with your partner if you want the relationship to actually work.
Tomiko’s Advice: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years. I don’t have any kids; she has three. I never expect/expected to be put before her kids. Hell, I think about making sure they’re good before myself. I would never put my girl in that position. She wouldn’t go for it anyway.
I knew what I was getting into when we got together. I can’t love or want to be with her and not love and want to be with her kids. Those are my kids now. Their father is active and a big part of their lives, which in no way has an effect on my relationship with her. By all means do what you want.
But mothers deserve to be in loving relationships too without having to choose between her mate and kids.
Ask a Lesbian, is a column where Zamara Perri and other members of the Black Lesbian Love Lab community answer letters from black lesbians looking for help with their relationships. You can send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.