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Dear Ask a Lesbian: I Need to Come Before My Woman’s Kids

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Every woman has a set of dating deal breakers. Know yours before getting involved with a woman and her children. Photo courtesy of Naked by Bria.

Dear Ask a Lesbian: I have tried several times to date mothers and it just hasn’t worked out for me. I have no kids so it’s hard for me because I’m used to not having to think about someone who depends on an adult. Being childless, I am selfish, at least that is what I am told. But why be angry with me because that is what I’m used to? I don’t like being last in my partner’s life.

I feel that if you invite someone to become a part of your life as your partner, be prepared to put that person and that relationship FIRST. Stop making that person wait on you while you’re busy doing 130 other things, including kids. I understand mothers have responsibilities to their kids and they must be taken care of. But I also feel it’s wrong to invite someone into your life and put them LAST. What was the point?

If you put me last, I will act out against you and your child. In my opinion, don’t bother getting in a relationship if you are really expecting that person to accept being last on your priority list because it makes no sense.

Dee’s Advice: I am a 49-year-old stud with no kids. Kids always come first. She just has to be more organized with her time. Why don’t you help her with some of her chores so she has less to do? I didn’t hear you say that you did that! I have dated a few women with kids and it was fun! I kept Friday nights as adult night and the other six days you do what needs to be done and have family time! It’s a lot of fun for me. I miss it sometimes.

The kids are all grown up and on their own now and it feels good to know that they love me and still keep in touch with me. And their memories are incredible. They remember everything I have done for them. So there is good in a family life. But as for you, don’t be in that family life. From what I am reading you are selfish and you can’t be that way when there are kids involved!

Johari’s Advice: I swear this had to be written by my ex!! I had no idea that there could be someone else in this world just as incredibly selfish and clueless! Our relationship is over and guess what? I AM STILL A MOTHER!

Monique’s Advice: I feel for you! My girlfriend has two teenagers. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I already invested 10 years with her, I would never do this again.

Regina’s Advice: I think it’s about time management. Some don’t know how. Some think spending time with their partner is taking away time from their kids. I don’t get that way of thinking. You have to make just as much time with your partner if you want the relationship to actually work.

Tomiko’s Advice: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years. I don’t have any kids; she has three. I never expect/expected to be put before her kids. Hell, I think about making sure they’re good before myself. I would never put my girl in that position. She wouldn’t go for it anyway.

I knew what I was getting into when we got together. I can’t love or want to be with her and not love and want to be with her kids. Those are my kids now. Their father is active and a big part of their lives, which in no way has an effect on my relationship with her. By all means do what you want.

But mothers deserve to be in loving relationships too without having to choose between her mate and kids.

Ask a Lesbian, is a column where Zamara Perri and other members of the Black Lesbian Love Lab community answer letters from black lesbians looking for help with their relationships. You can send your questions to blacklesbianlovelab@gmail.com.

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  1. Avatar
    Leah Glass

    I’ve this advice. But a lot of times you have to get to the root of this problem. Was this person treated with respect when her own mother was in a relationship. Did her mom stayed married to her dad or was she with someone else and put that person before her children. You always have to ask these question. And work on you.

  2. Avatar

    I think the simple solution is that you should not date women with kids because it is obvious that you are not ready to be a partner. A partner would be in partnership not only with their significant other but the children as well. It doesn’t have to be a first or last but through planning and cooperation and selflessness, you could have quality time with your partner. I’m not sure what you mean by she invited you into the relationship but you knew she had kids so you obviously went in willingly. So my best advice to you would be to date women who can cater to your whims.

  3. Avatar
    Withlove, Tania

    I have a rule. Don’t date women with children. And it’s not because the children need to come first but because I don’t want to get attached to the children. In a similar fashion, you could not date women with children bc you’re selfish with someone’s time. There may always be something at some point or another that has to come before you every now and again. Smh

  4. Avatar
    Lefty Hall

    I all depends ,
    If your Both Mature And Responsible
    You can make it work,
    I’ve known Serveral women that Do.
    I had A relationship like that Once And it worked out OK for me
    Because we were a team.
    Her two small sons were in bad Need of a,Better education,
    So I worked Extra hours and put them into a good Military school.

    Which was an environment in which they Thrived.
    The are Both Grown men now with military careers
    Families of their own and children in private schools.

    This feat was Expensive and took a lot of Love
    The Money and Love was easy to give,,how could I look at those tiny snot filled faces and
    Say No to giving them a better Chance in life.

  5. Avatar

    My gf has a son at it bothers me as well that I do not come first. I have children but they are 18 and 22. Her son is 17 n all I hear is be quite he will hear you or don’t call me that in front of him. It is so frustrating. I’m like he is 17 not 2. However, I try to have her over my house as much as possible because at least I can be myself there. Truthfully, we should always put our children first, and find a way to make our partner feel like we are putting them first at the same time.

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