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Ask a Lesbian

Ask a Lesbian: Is She Giving Too Much or Is she Just Petty?

Dear Ask a Lesbian, A little advice, please… This is going to sound silly, but it’s still something that has been bothering me for quite some time. I have a music subscription, and I let my partner have the password to it so that she can listen to it.
We got into a BIG argument (One that almost ended our relationship), and I changed the password on my account. After some time, we reconciled and are slowly trying to get back on track with our relationship. The other day she asked me to give her my password.

Now, one of the problems that we’ve struggled with is that I always feel like I do most of the giving in the relationship. I feel like I give more than I get back, so her asking me for my password right away, threw me off. And I have been stalling on giving it to her because I’m not ready for her to have it. She still presses me out for it and now is calling me petty because I won’t give it to her. I told her that I wasn’t petty, that I will give it to her when I get ready.
She then told me that since I won’t give her my password to my music account that I pay for each month, she isn’t going to have any more phone conversations with me. She says she’s only going to text me from now on.
She claims that she is “stooping to my level of petty” when in fact I’m NOT trying to be petty at all! I’m just tired of giving, giving, giving, and not getting back in return and the fact that now she won’t call me on the phone (only text) because I won’t give the password to her is making me feel like this is all that’s important to her. It’s like she feels entitled to my account or that I owe that to her. I certainly don’t feel comfortable giving it to her with her acting like this. SHE is the one being petty, and it’s turning me off! Just when I thought we were getting better. SMH. Am I Being Petty?


Dear Am I Being Petty,

Yes, you are both being petty. You didn’t say how old you both are or how long you have been in a relationship, but let me tell you something, it doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in a relationship because your feelings about always giving and not getting in return are valid.
How do I know this? I’ve been there. I bought into the idea that I was selfish or not riding hard enough for my woman so I just kept giving and giving and giving.

Do you know what happens when you give without being filled up in return? You get depleted, angry, exhausted and resentful.

Your music subscription is important and valuable to you, so you pay for it. And just because you are in a relationship, it does not mean that your partner is entitled to have access. I understand that sharing is vital to any thriving, happy relationship, but where is the reciprocity? Is there a reason why your partner has not offered to or cannot contribute to paying for the subscription? Are there other financial and emotional ways that she is giving and supporting you that you are overlooking?

Why do you give and give and give without getting in return?

Do you make more money than she does and there is an assumption that because you make more, you should pay more? Do you have fewer expenses than she does? Does she make the same amount of money and have the same amount of bills but she does not manage money well? Yes, you are both are being petty. And unfortunately, it seems as if you are both punishing each other instead of honestly discussing your true feelings and anxiety surrounding reciprocity in your relationship.
If you’ve already openly shared your concerns with your partner and she refuses to acknowledge or respect your boundaries, then this is a huge red flag that will never go away and will only chip away at any loving feelings you may have left for each other. It may be helpful to get a third party involved. If you cannot afford a therapist, it may be good to contact a life coach or a level-headed mature couple that you both respect to help you talk this out.
Ask a Lesbian, is a column where Zamara Perri and other members of the Black Lesbian Love Lab community answer letters from black lesbians looking for help with their relationships. You can send your questions to blacklesbianlovelab@gmail.com.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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    Nyirambonimpa Sylivia

    A relationship that is one-sided -giving is tiresome and is usually short lived because there is no body who has all the money needed for life

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