Celebrating black lesbian love and relationships!
Ask a Lesbian

Ask a Lesbian: My Girl’s Homophobic Family Uninvited Me to Thanksgiving Dinner

Should you choose between your partner and your family during the holidays?

The holidays can be so difficult for gay people who want to spent time with their families AND their partners.

Dear Ask a Lesbian: My girlfriend and I have been together over a year and decided it was time that I meet her family. She met mine this past July. So, we made plans to go to make that happen this Thanksgiving. Two hours before we were supposed to leave, she gets a phone call from her mother saying it wasn’t a good idea and that “people” would be uncomfortable.

She was told that we could still come to Cleveland but she would have to leave me at the hotel when she came for dinner. Needless to say, she was crushed, hurt, pissed, confused.

It’s easy to say they have to accept or we just move on in life without them, but that’s her family. They have been there for her always.

I have no idea what to do from here. My family and their views are very different. I come from a very accepting and open-minded family and they welcomed her and I with open arms. How to do navigate this situation?

Aryka’s Advice: Go to Cleveland! Enjoy your trip. She can go have dinner with them, let them know how she feels if and then come back to the hotel with you. It’s not what was planned or what you want but stuff happens, and we can’t control other people.

Just make the best of the situation. Her being angry at them or refusing to see them isn’t going to do anything but make it harder for them to eventually accept you, and eventually they will. If they see she loves you and that you are happy, they’ll soon want to meet the person helping brighten up her life.

Dani’s Advice: Rebel standpoint: F**k their comfort level. They’re only worried about the image it will portray about their family– their daughter’s gay. They need to deal with it.

Don’t let them control your relationship, it’s like being in the closet. I would go and eat four plates. I’m sure you’ve come to far to be silenced.

Nia’s Advice: I would be highly upset if I were left behind in the hotel room while my partner went to spend Thanksgiving with her family. I would not even travel to their town.

Ask a Lesbian, is a column where Zamara Perri and other members of the Black Lesbian Love Lab community answer letters from black lesbians looking for help with their relationships. You can send your questions to blacklesbianlovelab@gmail.com.

Facebook Comments

Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Join the discussion

  1. Avatar

    I believe that you have to take a stand. It’s not a matter of choosing your girlfriend over your family but it is a matter of self respect. We have to teach others including family how we want to be treated. Your relationship is not second class. It is just as valid as any heterosexual relationship and deserving of respect. Truthfully, they may never accept any future relationship so it is imperative that you stand up for yourself. I come from a family where I’m the elephant in the room. I proudly brought my girlfriend home who is now my wife and introduced her as such. Although my mother disagrees with my life, she understands that I’m a package deal. If you respect yourself them others will follow.

  2. Avatar
    Withlove, Tania

    I agree with Jane. It’s one thing to say “we don’t want you to come,” but it’s an entirely different thing to say that 2hrs prior after tickets and things have been purchased. So not only do you not care how you’ve made me feel by telling me I will make others uncomfortable but you didn’t even value me enough to be considerate of my time and money spent or even the fact that i could have been excited.

  3. Avatar

    If you don’t share your vision, who will? Please view & share!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: