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Ask a Lesbian

Ask a Lesbian: My Partner’s “Wife” Doesn’t Even Want Her

Lesbian catches girlfriend cheating so she grabs a gun.

Is emotional cheating the same as physical cheating? Photo by Q. Oliver.

Dear Ask a Lesbian: Can I get some advice? My stud says she loves me, but she says she thinks someone else may be her soul mate. She has referred to this other woman as her “wife.” However, this other woman won’t even talk to her! I feel like she’s only with me for now, but if the other woman were to suddenly show up and declare her love for stud, my stud would leave me in a New York minute. I’m torn, heartbroken and weary of it all.

Elysa’s Advice: You have to stop referring to her as “yours.” She is not, nor has she ever been yours. Settling for someone’s leftover emotions is ridiculous. If you knew all of this but decided to stay anyway, it is not “your” stud’s fault that you are torn, heartbroken and weary. Find someone who is really yours.

Gibson’s Advice: Hold up! Time out! You’re not looking out for red flags! That’s one right there. You can get over hurt, but you can neva get back wasted time! Go hunny! It’s only February. Why keep going into the new year with something wrong when you can make it right? From the words of the song in Frozen, “Let it go! Let it go!”

Raquel’s Advice: Look at your instincts, look at what your body is telling you. You are torn, heartbroken and weary. You KNOW that she is into someone else, so the ball is in your court. What are you going to do about it? Stay and further invest in this relationship, where she might leave? Or put God first and love yourself, and maybe realize that this relationship will never be fully be what you want it to be? Protect your heart. You have a decision to make.

Venessa’s Advice: I’m really not sure where the confusion is. If she isn’t joking, why be with someone that doesn’t value you enough? Why would you be with someone that thinks of you that way? Settling for what you can get is a little ridiculous. Why would people rather be in a relationship where they’re second guessing themselves? Learn to love yourself single then you’ll find someone worth your time.

Ask a Lesbian, is a column where Zamara Perri and other members of the Black Lesbian Love Lab community answer letters from black lesbians looking for help with their relationships. You can send your questions to blacklesbianlovelab@gmail.com.

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  1. Avatar

    I know this must be hard for you. I am sorry that you are going through it. The majority of the replies will tell you to “Get out now!” But if it were that easy you wouldnt be writing asking for advice. Like the song says, “Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars.” But True Love makes you feel the way you are wishing your partner felt about you. To say she can’t possibly be fully present in her loving of you would be an understatement. I try not to give stay or go advice. Only you can determine when your heart has endured enough pain.

    I do know that as women we are almost born to put up with shit and stick it out for the long haul. In marriave the vows even state for better Or for worse. You have to set boundaries for yourself to survive love, both good and bad.

    I know one thing that when love becomes toxic and you stay in the relationship, hoping for change to come, be careful because sometimes hope (on the negative end) can last for enternity. Read the advices given, digest what friends and family have told you, and in the end You and only you with prayers to God can decide how much you are worth, How strong you really can be, and When you have had enough!

    “Sometimes I found that if we loved ourselves as much as we thought we loved the women in our lives who have hurt us, we would find we didn’t really need them at all.”
    – EZDreamer

    I wish you all the best and pray you find the courage to do what’s right for you. Nourishing a dead relationship is hard and will unbarably take a toll on your beart and soul. Be strong and stay beautiful for You!

  2. Avatar
    femme choco

    Dump her and move on asap! What are you waiting for? If she’s believes someone else is her soul mate what are you still doing with her? It’s hard, I know but you have to leave now. If you don’t leave it will hurt you more later.

  3. Avatar

    That sounds like a confirmation to me…she found her soul mate…that doesn’t even talk to Her? You both need to love yourself more! I’m not perfect and I’m learning a lot! These stories really help me in my journey. Perhaps you can encourage yourself through them as I have. I pray you find peace and Love.

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