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Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli wedding

I Date White Women Because I Don’t Want to Die Alone

Written by Sade K. Washington

I am 35, and I’ve never dated a black American woman. My life experiences with black women have overwhelmingly been antagonistic and alienating. And those are just the women I’ve tried to be friends with or come across while just minding my own business.

Once I got old enough to date, I turned to white women. I had some crazy experiences with white women that made me say “never again.” So I decided that I wanted a black woman.

I tried. I actually tried. Long story short, I have found black lesbians to be:

1)    Very hard to find (unlike white lesbians);

2)    Uninterested in me (unlike white lesbians);

3)    Very hard to relate to, as a black woman who does not fit stereotypes

4)    Often more masculine of center (i.e. the out/more visible ones), or just otherwise not feminine enough for me (and even still, predominantly uninterested in me).

But most of all when it comes to my experiences with dating black lesbians, I have found the following statement by Zamara Perri to be 100 percent true:

I’ve said I wanted a good woman, but when she came around, I judged her for all this superficial shit that she didn’t have.

You Are Not Interested in Who I am, but What I Have

Amber Laign and Robin Roberts

Amber Laign is the longtime partner of broadcast journalist Robin Roberts.

In other words, when I look at online ads, even if race is not mentioned–and sometimes it is, and I’m never surprised–I can tell the ad is written by a black woman because black women are usually the ones who have a laundry list in their ads.

And most of the list–if not all of it–consists of requirements related to what you look like and what you have, not about what kind of person you are. By the way, I am everything black women appear to hate in another black woman, i.e. light-skinned, long hair, intelligent, quiet, keep to myself.

I realized after my last break up (my ex is from an African family that did not identify with American racial categories), to my dismay I realized that I probably never will date a black American woman.

I also realized that unless I wanted to die alone, I would have to return to giving white women a chance.

To be Honest, Y’all Scare Me

I just don’t think I can ever get past any black woman’s requirements. And then even if I could, black women are too intimidating to approach. Frankly, a good 50 percent or more of black women are not that friendly or never show interest, even if maybe they are interested.

Straight black women are the same way, and they don’t realize that the laundry lists and the lack of approachability are the main reasons why straight black men are dating white women at increasing rates. And white men rarely get up the guts to go after black women.

Both black men and white men are interested in black women. But black men will put their reasons for not dating black women in the harshest of ways when, actually, their reasons mainly boil down to the same things I’ve mentioned.

It’s Easier to Date White Women

Alex Niedbalski and Wanda Sykes on the red carpet.

Alex Niedbalski is the wife of Wanda Sykes, a comedian.

I can just do my own thing and have white women come up to me, and so can black men, and so can white men. Almost all of the interest I’ve received from women throughout my life has been from white women.

Why keep fighting it when it’s unfortunately, easier with white women than with black women?

The only thing hard about dating a white woman is finding one who is not going to make me want to backhand her over the stupid shit she will inevitably say during the relationship.

Even that is doable because I have two straight white friends who are pretty “woke” when it comes to race in America. One has even tried to set me up with a “woke” white woman!

Do I Prefer White Women to Black Women?

Do I prefer white women to black women? Not at all. Rarely do I find myself even attracted to a white woman. To me, women of color are the most beautiful women, especially dark-skinned black women.

In the age of Trump as president, the idea of going back to white women is very hard to embrace fully.

It’s a shame, but I can more easily attract and be treated better by a woman who is probably walking around with some level of racism within herself towards my race or who is from a racist family than I can attract women of my own race.

I also don’t want to be alone forever. However, the black women I prefer seem to have an unrealistic idea of the amount of confidence and comfort people should have with approaching them–regardless of how mean or alienating they behave.

I love black women but, honestly, black women make loving them so difficult on every social level, whether it’s friendship or romantic relationships.

Featured image: Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli met and fell in love on the set of Netflix series Orange is the New Black and three years later were married in March 2017.  Photo by Jose Villa.

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  1. Avatar
    Lisa D

    I’m hope you find love, this is sincere. I am a dark-skinned, long haired, feminine fit black woman and incredibly educated. I was raised around white people my whole life, so people say I ‘act’ or ‘talk’ white. However, I adore women like you (dated mostly light-skinned women), because they really like me. I have also dated white men, black men, Asian men and some Latino, lol. Anywho, I’m very attracted to white women but it’s always been hard. I think we have to look inward when we have a type, like always in life, the thing we want the most, is the hardest to achieve, time…. Be open, don’t become jaded

  2. Avatar
    Paulena Afo

    Relatable. Glad to know that I’m not the only one thinking of this.


  3. Avatar

    Interestingly enough, I find a lot of truth when it comes to dating women of color. O really don’t do gender roles or heteroconformity because at the end of the day, I’m still a woman. I love rocking my boots as much as I love wearing my Calvin Klein dress, sometimes at the same time. My main issue is my drive for more in life vs complacency and conformity with black lesbians. It’s been superficial looks and sex. When I talk about starting a legit business and diversifying funds, they lose interest. I’m fortunate now. I’m engaged to a black woman who, like me, thinks outside of the stereotypical “black” things and we share a lot of interests outside of what the black lesbian community considers normal. And let’s not even bring up Polyamoury. I hear too much ignorance with how our relationship is set up. So, I get it. Far more black woman have this invisible book based on ignorance and willingness to not be outside the box. If written a lot of papers on this

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      I find it harmful to hear black women repeating the rhetoric that black women are superficial and don’t want more. This is simply not true. You may want to check the women you’re hanging around with. There are plenty of superficial and complacent white lesbians out there. Sometimes it’s exhausting being a black woman because we are expected to be all things to be all people and are villified for failing to do so.

  4. Avatar

    This toxic BS needs to be removed immediately! Not only is this author spewing hate about black women, there is also mention of backhanding women? So now are we ok with promoting harmful racist and colorism rhetoric/propaganda and domestic violence? REMOVE THIS!!!!

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      You’re right, the author’s perspectives are troubling. However, I shared the article because many women share her perspective. I find having a discussion challenging these views is more constructive than pretending many others don’t feel the same way the author does. ~Zamara Perri/Founder and Editor of http://www.blacklesbianlovelab.com

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