I’m the kind of woman who loves love, loves relationships, loves the friendship, affection and togetherness and loves building a future with that special someone. Everyday as I work on this blog, I see happy couples and my heart can’t help but yearn for the same. I always tell the women I date, pretty much from the beginning, that I eventually want a relationship. I recently went on a couple of dates with one woman who made it clear she didn’t want the same thing, but was still trying to take up my time. I’m proud of myself that although she was pretty damn cute, I let that one go.
On the other hand, I tend to run away from the ones who stick around and try to get a relationship going with me. I say I want one thing, but make it a habit to chase off any eligible bachelorettes who make an effort to get to know me. I’m one of those people that cause women to go WTF? And that’s understandable. The truth is I’m scared. Not of relationships per se, but of relationships ending.
I know I’m not the only one with these issues. Anyway, I’m writing this post for someone I know who reads this blog. We went out once. She’s cute and laidback (a nice complement to my bossy intensity). We talk on the phone for hours and she makes me laugh. She’s sweet and thoughtful and makes girlfriend-like overtures that make me uncomfortable. When she asked me where I saw us going, I freaked out and backed away.
Now why did I do that? I’m I secretly a commitment-phobe? Maybe. It could also be because I seriously take to heart a piece that Madisyn Taylor wrote titled “The Power of Union: Entering Into Partnerships,” in it she said, “It is important to choose our partnerships consciously. Sometimes forged quickly during times of need, we may find ourselves rushing into unions with perhaps not the clearest intentions.”
When I exited my last relationship, I promised myself that I would be more conscious about how I entered my next. Gwyneth Paltrow famously called her split from Chris Martin a “conscious uncoupling;” I want to do sort of the same thing, except it would be conscious coupling. For some reason, thoughtfully entering relationships with women has been a struggle for me, and I believe it is the same for some lesbians. No matter how much I try to avoid getting caught up in a rush of emotion and fantasy, I fall in love and within the space of a month, end up in another relationship. Not long after that, the Band-Aid comes off and all the faults we ignored in each other at first become unbearable. We fight, we yell, we pull away, we break up then make up and then break up again.
At this point in my life, I’m simply tired. Tired of the drama, emotion and the brokenness that comes from building a life with someone only to have to dismantle it and start all over again.
So, yes, I’m afraid. I know nothing is promised and no relationship is perfect, but I just cannot participate in this cycle anymore. I’m halfway to 40 and it’s just not a good look for me. I honestly don’t know if our fun telephonic encounters will go anywhere as it is too early to tell. But I do know this, my heart is way too valuable for something temporary, and so is hers. So yes, I’m taking my time. My goal is to be careful and conscious. This time I want to treat love as the most precious thing in the universe, because it is and I’m tired of letting it go.
Z Amara Perri is the editor and founder of this blog. She loves sharing stories about black lesbians, the women they love and the families they raise together. She writes occasionally about self love and about navigating the terrifying dating terrain.