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Dating Diaries: The Entitled Femme

“I like to be taken care of,” she said in response to my question asking her what her type was.

I was confused. Did she mean monetarily? Cause I was not the type who paid other people’s rent or for their weekly weave maintenance just for the pleasure of fucking them. Some Doms and men may consider this normal, but not this chica. This was the main reason I did not usually date femmes. But that night, when this particular femme walked by me looking cute, sweet and with a body that would not quit, my aggressive femme side came out to play. I’m a tits-and-ass kinda gal, but the catering expectation was generally a turn off. That night, for some reason or other, was different.

“I like to be catered to. I like what I want when I want it,” she responded in answer to my furrowed brow.

I grinned and said, “So do I! Maybe we can cater to each other.”

She gave me a very skeptical look. She didn’t seem interested in or willing to try on this alien concept for size. And who could blame her? We were both used to dating Doms, so taking a dip into the femme-femme wading pool was as fraught with as much danger as a non-swimmer jumping into the deep end of the pool. For about 10 years, I’ve been blinded to my sense of entitlement/privilege as a femme. No one, except for my recent ex, has ever really called me on it. She called me spoiled and she was probably right.

Catering, Pleasing & Spoiling
I’ve never really thought much about it. Eons ago when I dated men, I thought it only natural that he fall in line with societal dictates that said in many ways that men were supposed to pursue and submit to women’s desires. I’m speaking along the lines of the “happy wife, happy life” mantra, not the “women are property and have no desires/interests outside the home” myth. So, when I started dating and being attracted to more dominant women who presented as femmes, I naturally expected to be “catered to,” pleased and spoiled.

And I continued to date more dominant women who seem to get the unspoken message that part of the butch-femme dynamic involved pampering and pleasing her. For some femmes that means providing for her financially. For others it may mean taking on more traditional male roles in and outside of bed. For me that meant I expected to get my way pretty much all the time while my butch partner worked herself into a lather trying to please me. This often meant that she was the one who made attempts/plans to see me, brought me tokens of affection, drove us everywhere as I was nervous about driving in Washington, D.C., and she was always the one to come with flowers, chocolate and an apology after any fights. And I felt perfectly entitled to being treated like a princess of sorts. (Even so I was an egalitarian femme when it came to money. I never expected my butch to pay my way for anything. We were both adults with jobs and I was fine with us taking turns treating each other.)

I’ve come a long way and still have far to go. There’s a phrase floating around the web and it says, “We’re both the girl. That’s the point!” I love it as it is a reality check for us femmes. It reminds me that being in a relationship with a woman, or really any relationship at all, is not all about me.

We both have needs, feelings and desires and mine are no more important than hers simply because I sometimes wear heels and lipstick.

One of the things my butch ex rightfully accused me of was being uncommunicative at times. Femmes are supposed to be chatty and emotional, right? Just because my butch partner literally wore the pants did not mean she had no feelings. She actually cried more than I did. There were times when I told her that dating her was like dating a man because she could be so oblivious and she didn’t find it cute. Rather she found the words hurtful and did not appreciate the gender stereotype. I also learned from her that of there is something about your partner that is frustrating or confusing, instead of making noxious gender assumptions, it may be best to simply have a conversation.

As for the femme that helped bring my femme privilege into sharper focus, we still talk occasionally. We are not what each other are looking for, but she is a smart, kind, attractive, financially independent woman and we enjoy each other’s company from time to time.


Do you date femmes or identify as a femme? What do you love about us? Was this article way off base?  Tell me what you think by commenting below!


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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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