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Five Reasons Black Lesbian Relationships Fail

Poor Communication Skills. Believe it or not, but most women don’t wake up dreaming of a woman who will yell at her, speak to her unkindly, refuse to share her feelings and break down her confidence on a daily basis.

We say we love her, but our actions or inactions send a different message.

Poor communication skills can build walls between you and your wife, partner or boo thang. And before you know it, you’ll break up and you don’t know why. Take a look at verbal and non-verbal communication and I guarantee you’ll find the answer.

No Shared Goals. Admit it, sometimes you get into a relationship with someone simply because she is cute, convenient or you’re bored. Years later you have moved in together but you have nothing in common. I’ve been there done that. There’s no rule that says you have to marry or even live with a woman simply because you share a mutual attraction. If you want your relationship to go the distance, you need a little bit more than that.

People tend to think that my honey and me are an odd couple. On the surface we seem so different. But honestly, we share more values than not. We are simple people who dream of running our own businesses and living overseas. We also love reading, writing and nature.

If you can’t grow together, then you will grow apart when the sexual excitement fizzles. If you have no shared goals, then what’s keeping you together? A business? A family? A dream? Think about it.

One of y’all is not a lesbian. This one is pretty obvious but happens all the time. Lesbians seem to loooove chasing and dating straight women and get upset when things don’t work out. I’ve never really understood why, but I’ve watched my lesbian friends who say they want to marry and have a family with a woman spend more time than they should with women who clearly want to marry and have children with a man. Don’t confuse friendship and affection with love. Putting a ring on it doesn’t change a thing. The heart wants what the heart wants and you can’t love her enough for the both of you.

So, are any of the above the real reasons why Brittney and Glory’s relationship blew up? Yes.  I want to see more healthy black lesbian relationships. If we are honest with ourselves and are serious about making our homes safe places, then we increase our chances of having a successful relationship. If you’re not committed to doing that, then you’re just wasting each other’s time.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Avatar
    Ella Holmes

    Very true. Made valid points.

  2. Avatar
    Demani Blakely

    Hey Im not in a black lesbian relationship. Im in a interacial relationship and I agree with all the facts that are stated if thw relarionship dont have goals with the two people in it. The relatonship will fail in order to grow and advance as well as build it takes two not one everyday Im thankful for my soulmate and fall in love with her everyday and vice versa for her as well. But I have to say one thing my life partner was straight but I didnt chase her nor was I looking for someone to spend my life with because. I was okay being alone because of the menatl games I went through and then she came along as my friend and then we connected on another level and grew as one and now we are together rasing two kids that are now my step children and ready to add on another and take it to the next level but it takes growth and learning one another as well.

  3. Avatar
    Kerry C

    i learned another reason which I see happening over and over in the lesbian community regardless of race, and it is: two women can meet and have lots in common, but if one partner doesn’t want to work on their own issues as much as they want to work on couple issues , it’s doomed to fail no matter how many therapists they see.

  4. Avatar
    a real lesbian

    You are no longer allowed to make blogs. First off its not just lesbians that have these issues heterosexual couples do as well. You commented about your relationship that sounds like you have issues in your relationship. If your relationship was publicly available for people to see you would not be in it. You have not made lesbian points but relationship points.
    Second if you don’t know your not dating a lesbian your a whole fool..

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      I direct my writing at black lesbian relationships point, blank, period, because main stream sites ignore us and our issues. I will keep writing for our community and keeping sharing some of the painful lessons I’ve learned in my own relationships. Thanks for reading 🙂

      • Avatar

        I don’t understand. Why create a blog dedicated to black lesbian relationships and write an article like this? Why target black women when the points brought up here can apply to ANY lesbian relationship be it interracial, white, asian etc? Are all black women angry to you? Could it be possible your past unsuccessful relationships with black women have left you bitter towards us?

        • Black Lesbian Love Lab
          Black Lesbian Love Lab

          Hi sis, the purpose of the blog is to explore black lesbian relationships. Even though many of the issues we highlight can apply to all relationships and not just lesbian relationships we choose to focus on our community. None of the articles are a blanket indictment of all black lesbians. They are merely observations that we hope will generate healthy discussions. None of our writers are bitter toward black women. In fact, we are just the opposite: we love black women and want to discuss ways to make our relationships healthier. ~Zamara

  5. Avatar

    That last comment was rudely delivered and unnecessary. So much so that I’m compelled to let you know that I find this and many other articles on this site refreshing, cogent, thoughtful, and mature. I do not know you personally but, my dear, you seem wise beyond your years (whatever those may be) and that’s why I come back to this site. Stay blessed!!

  6. Avatar

    love love love this article!!!! Great points and very true.

  7. Avatar

    I never knew how important communication was until I had to long term failed relationships. I wondered was missing and how they got out of control. The main thing was lack of communication. That comes with growth.

  8. Avatar
    Marci Halili Akoma

    Beautifully written, thoughtful piece. Never stop writing! Thank you!

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Thanks you, Marci! We appreciate your support! We love your blog too 🙂

  9. Avatar
    isis asare

    Hi…understand that this article is for Black lesbian relationships. However, as a bisexual woman of color, I found point number five a little biphobic. There are many bisexuals in happy, committed same gender loving relationships. Thoughts?

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Hi Sis! Thanks for commenting. Our site is focused on black women in same-gender relationships and that includes bi women. Point number 5 is focused on women who are clearly not lesbian or even bi. Many of us are fluid and that is fine. However, there is a distinct difference between women who HONESTLY accept their attraction to both genders and women who have no interest in having a serious relationship with a woman yet make promises and commitments they clearly won’t/can’t keep. <3 Z

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