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I Don’t Like Straps: How I Cleared Up My Lesbian Sex Taboos

Written by Zamara Perri

Great sex is about much more than just opening your legs. It's about opening your mind. Photo: queenlioness.tumblr.com

Great sex is about much more than just opening your legs. It’s about opening your mind. Photo: queenlioness.tumblr.com


What is lesbian sex? My definition: Any physical activity between two or more women that results in pleasure and/or an orgasm. But I didn’t always think that way. For the longest time, I had very rigid ideas about what sex between women should look like.

So of course I almost lost my mind when one of my lesbian friends posted the following on Facebook: “Not every lesbian wants to rub pussies. Ewww.”

I thought about writing a very long post on her wall. But I decided to give some thought to why this annoyed me so much.


I realized I was annoyed because she took something that brings some lesbian couples pleasure and made it something nasty. That bothers me because there are many lesbians not having great sex because their partners or church or society or porn has dictated to them that pleasure has to look a certain way.


Guess what, whatever you and your woman do in the privacy of your own home for pleasure is really your fucking business. And whatever I do in my own home with my partner for pleasure is my fucking business.


However, I believe many black lesbians tend to be close-minded about sex just like we tend to be close-minded about gender roles. We all have sex acts that we have tried in the past and know from experience that we don’t really enjoy them. Others of us have never tried and would prefer to pass judgment.


I used to be one of those judgmental women. I’ve been lucky to have partners who were patient about my breaking my taboos. I also learned that there were things that I enjoyed doing with one partner and some things I didn’t enjoy with a different partner.


Here is how I dealt with three of my biggest taboos surrounding lesbian sex:


For the longest time, I really didn’t enjoy strap-ons while pretty much all of my girlfriends were geeked over the idea. For someone who was damn near a gold star, it was painful to say the least and since I don’t come from penetration, I thought it was pointless. Then I started dating a particular woman who had a collection of dildos. She was kind and gentle and encouraged me to try different sizes. That’s when I discovered that a smaller dildo worked best for me. I even started enjoying it especially when I discovered the joy of being on top. The funny thing about her though was that she did not want to be penetrated. Not even with a finger. She had spent so many years giving and didn’t know how to receive.


I also was not really into giving oral sex for the longest time. As a femme who dated more aggressive women, I got away with not giving for a long time. My aggressive femmes didn’t mind doing all the giving and I was safe. Then I started dating a stud who was very in touch with her feminine side and wanted reciprocation. I knew that I couldn’t continue being selfish. So I learned to please her in exactly the way she wanted me to and I ended up loving it. Frankly it came down to trust for me and once we established a trusting relationship, I truly enjoyed going down on her.


Then there was scissoring/grinding/tribbing. I actually enjoy scissoring and have ever since I was a kid. But I was so ashamed about doing this for the longest time that I rarely indulged with my girlfriends especially the ones who were focused on strapping. By the time I hit my 30s I started becoming more comfortable asking for what I wanted sexually and showing her how I liked it. Being vocal about my sexual needs made me feel so empowered and sexy. That also translated into a better sex life.


Over the years, I’ve learned a lot from my girlfriends. They helped open me up mentally, physically and emotionally to understanding that the ideas I had about lesbian sex didn’t apply to every relationship. They helped break me out of my box. They showed me how to be comfortable with myself, ask for what I wanted, learn what gives ME pleasure, and how to be an equally giving partner.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Avatar
    Leah Glass

    I love this article. And I was in this same position. And I have learned to love trying new things with my partner.

  2. Pingback: I Don’t Like Straps: How I Cleared Up My Lesbian Sex Taboos | About a Gay Girl

  3. Avatar

    Your blog is heaven!!!??

  4. Avatar

    I really enjoy reading this. I have learnt a lot. I hope u continue writing looking forward for more.

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