Written by Neece Parish
I grew up in the church where I was taught clearly defined gender roles and rules for sexuality.I dated boys, then men; never really satisfied with relationships or the sex. I knew something wasn’t right, but it never dawned on me that I could be a lesbian.
I can recall a few times other folks asking me if I was a lesbian. I always said no without hesitation or second thought. I had a baby, got married, and still I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right.
I Tried Porn
I thought maybe my discomfort came from inexperience so I started watching porn. I eventually noticed that my interest in watching the women wasn’t strictly academic. I started to wonder if maybe those that questioned my sexuality had noticed something that I hadn’t.
There had been women that I thought were beautiful and attractive but I hadn’t thought about actually being with a woman until her. My first experience was at 38 and involved a former coworker who I had been friends with for about 8 years at that point.
I had a crush on her early in our friendship but was too shy to admit that. I was still married but had been abstaining from sex for almost eight years.
She had recently divorced her wife of six years when we reconnected. She had left the company shortly after getting married and we had only exchanged the occasional Facebook message/likes during their marriage.
The Sleep Over
Upon reconnecting, we started talking frequently. I invited her to a group sleepover. She was a former bartender. She knew what I liked and made sure to buy the supplies to keep them coming all night.
There had been some casual flirtation and I jokingly commented that I was a horny drunk so she should get her own room rather than bunk with me.
When I went to bed, she kept texting me but my phone was on do not disturb so I wouldn’t get her messages unless I looked at it. After about 10 minutes of back and forth I told her that if she wanted to talk she should just come to my room and talk.
I Struggled to Keep Quiet
The flirtation quickly escalated into kissing. Eventually, she said that she wanted to know what I tasted like and asked if I’d climb on her face. I was drunk and horny so I obliged. I attempted to play with her beautiful large breasts but she asked me not to. Once her magic tongue started working I struggled to keep quiet.
Eight years is a long time to not be touched. We had the ceiling fan going causing the wind chimes in the corner of the room to tinkle, while I grasped the headboard trying to both hold myself up as my legs threatened to collapse and keep the headboard from banging against the wall when I would shift my weight.
I was afraid that I would suffocate her until she hit the right spot, then I was afraid that I would drown her.
Her Ex-Wife Didn’t Want to be With a Man
After we finished, before I had even managed to catch my breath, she informed me that she didn’t want me to play with her breast because she didn’t identify with them. That she and her wife divorced because she was trans and her ex wife didn’t want to be with a man. That she was in the early stages of transitioning to male. I didn’t even have a chance to enjoy my orgasm before being suddenly thrust into a serious conversation. The effects of the alcohol quickly faded. We talked for a while about her impending changes. She told me how longed to remove her breasts, and showed the way she wanted to style her hair, the name she had picked out to use, etc. I listened and supportively chimed in. Then we spent the rest of the night alternating between sleep and sex.
Was I Attracted to Her or The Inner Him?
It wasn’t until a few days later that the full weight of the situation started to sink in. I had been so focused on making sure that she was comfortable disclosing her situation to me that I hadn’t really thought about the ramifications for me.
I really liked this person who was currently female but soon to be male. Was I attracted to her or the inner him? At the time it didn’t matter. We dated for 2 weeks. She called me every morning, afternoon during lunch, evening on the drive home, and before bed.
She told me that she had a huge crush on me before she had even met her wife but didn’t think that I was gay. She sent me details of her dream Harry Potter themed wedding. Talked about how we should honeymoon on a cruise. Had me try on a wedding band she had already bought that happened to be in my favorite fandom. She knew that I loved Doctor Who. After I told her I wasn’t thinking of marrying again she abruptly cut ties. Said that I stressed her out.
We didn’t talk for almost 2 years. A couple of weeks ago he popped up in my Memories on Facebook. He is now male, has been on testosterone for over a year and had a double mastectomy.
My Husband Was The Happiest I Had Seen Him
After that experience I talked to my husband about the state of our relationship or rather cohabitation. When I suggested that we get divorced it was the happiest that I had seen him since the day our daughter was born. Three weeks later he walked out the door with only what he could fit in his car and drove to his new apartment.
I Selected Woman Seeking Woman
After five months a friend urged me to try online dating. I created an account and as I put in my preferences I realized that I wasn’t interested in the least in hearing from any men. I selected woman seeking woman. I talked with a few women. One in particular seemed promising. We had long talks about our day. We talked for a couple of weeks and then made plans to meet in person. She didn’t show up and the next day the app said her profile was unavailable. I deleted the app.
I Was Late to Church
A few weeks later I reinstalled it and looked through my messages. There had been another lady who I was talking to that I thought was a good possible weight loss accountability partner. I followed up to see how her weight loss was going. After a few weeks we meet up at a group run. The chemistry was undeniable. We both showed up early. Talked before the group run, during the run, and for about another 30 minutes after the run. I was late to church and before the day was over we had a least one date planned for every weekend for the rest of the month. We dated for 8 months before the communication difficulties became intolerable.
I’m Not Turned on By the Thought of Having Sex With a Man
I consider myself pansexual because I value the mind over the physical body but the more I explore my sexuality the more I realize that while I’m appreciative of the male form I’m not turned on by the thought of having sex with a man. Of course, it wasn’t that long ago that I thought the same about women but now that feels normal to me.
There’s still some awkwardness as my current partner is definitely more open about the types of intimate contact they allow than my previous ones were. Their fondness for BDSM has pushed my boundaries and helped me tap into parts of myself that I never knew existed.
However, that feeling that something was missing or not right has disappeared.