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How I Lost Myself in a Bad Relationship for Three Years

Written by Nikki Jones


Looking back, I see how lost I was. For over three and a half years, I allowed my fiancée to control me.


At the time I was so lost in her that I didn’t even recognize it. I would say that she was overly protective, and her only crime was loving me.


But, if I spoke, laughed or smiled with others–male or female–she took it as flirting. I didn’t want to upset her so I stopped speaking to other people and stayed  to myself.


My co-workers would ask me to go places with them, but my wanting to go out with other people always ended in an argument where I was forced to choose between having friends or my fiancée.


I Always Chose Her

It got to the point where I cut off the few friends I did have and completely isolated myself. The carefree, fun-loving, always joking, laughing and smiling girl slowly faded away dk-apotek.com.


I changed who I was because I wanted to keep my relationship, not realizing that if SHE truly loved me she would accept me the way I was.


What I saw when I looked in the mirror and who I was, no longer matched. It was an image of the woman I thought she wanted me to be.


It Took a Breakdown to Break Things Off

Before I decided to end things, I had a breakdown from stress and not wanting to be in the relationship but not wanting to let go at the same time. It wasn’t until she moved out that I began to breathe again, and I decided, to get me back!


Could This Happen to You?

Unfortunately, my story is more common than you would think! Getting lost in an unhealthy relationship can be so easy. When two women are getting to know one another is when the change first occurs. She makes a statement about behaviors and qualities she wants in a woman and we unconsciously begin to morph into what we think the other wants.


We get used to wearing the clothes, the perfume, and the jewelry she likes. (Suddenly the food she likes becomes the food we like). Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with doing things to please our spouses, but it becomes unhealthy when we are constantly making decisions based on what she says.


Are you lost in your relationship?

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  1. Have you cut off friends and family? Or are the only friends you have the ones you two share? What would you have left if she were to break things off?
  2. Do you constantly put her requests before your health and happiness?
  3. Do you spend time doing things that you enjoy or do you have to argue with her about it?


Take Back Your Identity

Sisters, I pray that you love yourselves enough to realize when the person looking back at you does not match the person inside.

It is important that, when getting into new relationships we remain true to ourselves. If she truly loves you, she will love everything about you, including the good and the bad about you.

Once I ended my toxic relationship, I started living for me again, hanging out with my friends and being more vibrant. I felt more and more like myself. It was then that I realized what loving myself was all about!

Nikki Jones is a 24-year-old femme and Military veteran currently living in North Carolina.  She enjoys reading and writing poetry.
Follow Photographer Knarlydesignz and Models DomoTheModel / Alivia Burden on IG

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Avatar

    This reminds me so much of my situation. My ex loved me a great deal but was hyper controlling. I miss her and love her dearly and still going through the motions but it cant be healthy. I feel a part of me was dying.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      You’re doing the right thing sis. You can’t sacrifice your health to make an insecure person feel better. Keep your head up sis. Sending love and peace your way. ?

  2. Avatar

    Thank you so much for this. I just got out of a three and a half year relationship that slowly drained me. I am just now starting to get back to myself. It is so hard. But I am trying my best each and every day. Thank you so much for this website. It really helps me. Peace and blessings.

  3. Avatar

    I’m in one of those relationships now I stay cause our daughter we have together but it time I make a chose for me cause if I continue I will lose myself forever help is what I need

  4. Avatar

    My partner is lost in me. When I realized it I sat her down and talk to her about it. She doesn’t want to leave and the relationship is already broken not repairable thank you for sharing your story. I’m going to send it to her in hopes that it helps the both of us. She doesn’t play music anymore she won’t go out with her friends she never wants to pick a place to eat a place to go. I do not like the position that I’m in with this relationship.

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