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Health & Spirituality

Masculine Not Manly, Vol 3: A Letter From a Recovering TouchMeNot Stud

Written by Bre Ukweli

Dear Lover,

I promise it isn’t your fault that you have yet to make me cum in bed. I also swear on my entire sexual life, that I’m honestly not punishing you with dryness because you’re incompetent. Sometimes I think that the pleasure gene skipped me entirely and my vagina is just there for show and unnecessary monthly messes.

Up until recently, my sexual needs  thrived off of my lovers’ wants. Their moans were like cheering sections that had me wearing my back scratches like medals. Pleasure was just a game that I played for the sake of my ego.

There comes a time in every TouchMeNot (TMN) stud’s life where our bodies inherently begins to grow jealous of watching orgasm after orgasm, from the outside. Suddenly, the feeling of someone else’s wetness isn’t enough to fuel the mental satisfaction and we begin to crave more. But, we’ve already established rules that require us to slap away your hands in the heat of the moment.

We’ve created sexual environments where it’s okay for you, as a partner, to walk away completely satisfied and leave your stud contemplating her life and sexual needs, feeling incomplete for reasons she doesn’t understand.

We’re sorry, even in silence. Trust me on this one.

Rewriting that environment is intense, but necessary, especially if you, I mean we (but mostly me), want to save our relationship; both sexually and emotionally.

You want to know the key to sex with a recovering TouchMeNot stud like me?

  1. Patience.
  2. Don’t pressure me into anything. Allow me to make the request. I know what I need and all you have to do is listen. I understand it can be difficult to wait, but I promise you that’s the best way to get me to be comfortable with you.
  3. Talk to me outside of the bedroom. Get to know me through intimate conversations. Find out not only what turns me off, but also why. The “why” is extremely important. Sometimes there’s a lot more than just a need for control that’s keeping me from enjoying sex.
  4. Lastly, be open-minded, supportive and understanding. There’s nothing worse than making me feel bad about going against your sexual (and heteronormative) expectations. What I mean is, if you get lucky enough to get me to ask to be strapped, you strap up. Simple.

Your pleasure should be my pleasure and my ecstasy should be your ecstasy. Let’s make love to each other, have fun and see how it goes.



Bre  is a 24-year-old gender-fluid person living in South Florida. She is a shade connoisseur hopelessly chasing skylines, sunsets and social justice.

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    Bre , I appreciate your succinct yet informative piece. I am a femme. I have no desire to “strap up” but would like to stroke my lover’s breasts, nipples, vaginal lips and thighs. In my last relationship she did not allow this and it was very frustrating to me. When she “got hot” she would push my head down so I could give head to her dildo. Her dildo was an extension of herself…I believe (though we never discussed it) that she was imagining it was a penis. She would have an orgasm after a few minutes. I cannot begin to tell you how alienated this made me feel…performing such an intimate act with an inanimate object!!! But I loved her and knew this gave her pleasure. She did not want me to perform oral sex on her or stroke her vagina. Aside from the “one-sidedness” of the matter, she was a great and satisfying lover.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Yikes sis, unfortunately there are a lot of women who express their woundedness by shutting down emotionally and/or physically. Sometimes you can love someone through this but often we don’t have the patients or tools to do this.

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