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A Message for The Studs Who Don’t Date Fat Femmes

Written by Shiane Wilcoxen

I love masculine women, but sometimes, it doesn’t seem like y’all love me back. Some of the words that have come out of your mouths make me shake my damn head.

“You’re pretty for a big girl.”

For real, do not insult me while trying to flirt with me.

“If you just lose 50 lbs…”

Um, don’t come at me like that.

Studs, I’m here to tell you, you either like my fat ass, as is or keep it moving.

Too often in the lesbian dating scene big, beautiful women (BBW) who are also femmes, either get overlooked or overwhelmed. Let me explain.

You’re Cute But I Don’t Date Big Girls

beautiful, black fat woman with rose

Thick thighs really do save lives y’all. Photography and direction: Emerald Shaw; Makeup: Ashley Allah; Model: Kierra Tanner

Once upon a time, I had a serious crush on this stud. We were cool as hell. Chill. Vibed wonderfully. Now, I am a very confident woman and usually can get any woman I go after. I tried with this one woman for over a year and got no play.

Finally, she told me I was cool as shit, but not “aesthetically” pleasing to her. I’m looking at her like, “So you’re saying I’m ugly?” She said, “No, you’re cute as hell. What I’m saying is, I don’t date big girls.” I took it. I stored it in my memory, and I moved on with it. We’re still friends to this day.

Why Y’all Settle for Skinny Women Who Treat You Badly?

All shades of BBW beauty. Ebony magazine’s March 2016 cover really showed some love to the BBW sistas.

But, I sit back and laugh each time she complains about her skinny, “model” chick girlfriend, trophy wifey that runs up her credit card bills, can’t cook, doesn’t clean house, flirts with other women, disrespects her in public and on and on and on. I laugh, because, I know, for a fact that if I were her girl, I would not have done any of those things.

And I am not saying that fat girls don’t do this laundry list of no-nos too. Trust me; I know a few fat femmes that are gold diggers, can’t boil water and sure can’t get their razor sharp acrylics chipped.

But, most big girls, we just love on you and give you good food and good vibes. But, too often, studs won’t date a fat femme. Why? Maybe it will tarnish the image they are trying to keep up. Some of you studs just can’t seem to get past our size.

We are smart, kind, thoughtful, compassionate and caring. So what that we have a little extra fluff? Our chunkiness keeps you warm at night, and we put it down in the bedroom.

We Are Not Down With Being Your Fetish Either

Then there are some lesbians who will only date a fat girl because it’s the “in” thing to do. As if we are some type of fashion-forward accessory for the season. I had a couple of lovers in the past tell me I was their first experience with a big girl, and honey, I did not disappoint. (I got references if you need ‘em).

But for real though, it is not okay to only date us just because we are in style at the moment and then drop us when one of your bois or home-girls questions you or teases you for dating a fat girl. We cannot be hidden and only brought out when you need a loan co-signed or bailed out of jail, or a ride to your job.

Seriously. We have feelings and more often than not, some of us, (I said some) are very low maintenance. We would rather spend our money on vacations, experiences, adventures, philanthropy, dinner and a movie than on fancy clothes, jewelry, and makeup.

Plus, I’ve heard or read somewhere, that in some tribes back in the Motherland, that the bigger a woman is, the better chance she has of getting as a suitor. I heard that a big girl is a sign of prosperity and wealth and is good for child-bearing. So, don’t miss out on your blessing honey.


Don’t Sleep on Fat Femmes or You’ll End up Missing Out

I have rolls. I have stretch marks. I jiggle. I wiggle. I wear Spanx. I can’t stand wearing heels. I will eat a Porterhouse steak, baked potato, salad, and biscuit, drink a beer and still look for dessert.

But, don’t hold it against me. We need you to know and see that it’s hard to walk in our shoes (flats, of course, no heels). Society already sees us as unhealthy, disgraceful and ugly. Some skinny chicks make fun of us and try to knock us down and compete with us for a stud’s attention. But, trust, most of us have hella self-esteem and can outwit anyone with our charisma and charm.

We won’t ever ask you to compromise the kind of woman you find attractive. Trust, we have our preferences too. (I like sporty-athletic soft studs). But, if you are only dating a BBW for a fad or not dating a BBW because of your ego, it’s not a good look honey.

We fat femmes are dabomb.com, and we might just surprise you in the end. So, go on, and try one of us on for size. (pun intended). Remember, to get something you never had, you have to try something you’ve never done.

Try a big girl. We’ll give you that good-good, and we’ll make you a sandwich after.


Featured image is of the beautiful Simone Mariposa. You can follow her blog at www.alongcameabutterfly.tumblr.com.

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Article written by:

Shiane Wilcoxen

Chef Shiane came out 7 years ago and left her husband for a woman and have never looked back. Specializes in desserts/cakes/pastries. Founded a non-profit 6 years ago in Chicago that serves LGBTQIA youth. Amateur poet and author. Mother. Step-mother and step-grandmother. Currently living in St. Louis. Buddhist. Biracial. Black Girl Magic.

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  1. Avatar

    How about using “real people” as images instead of models? I’d like to see who the author is and what she looks like! I feel I could relate better.

  2. Avatar

    I second this message. I love BBW women but its like all of the stuff other women are putting them through makes them bitter. I wish people could care more about themselves than what others think of them.

    Worst thing I ever experienced was my ex being afraid to be naked around me with the lights on because somebody she dated made her feel insecure about her body. I had to work hard to get her to understand I loved her body. We have to do better as a community.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      I agree we must do better. What folks don’t understand is that self hate is taught and so undoing that takes time.

  3. Avatar

    Love love love girl I was over here reading and saying….yes…facts…..ummm yaaaassss. I totally agree and I am now like I give up. I will just enjoy me in every way (wink). Tried of losing me hell I love my fat ass.

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