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This is the Messiest Way to End Your Relationship

Written by Zamara Perri


Last week we received an anonymous letter from a sista who was frustrated about the changes she saw in her stud and the lack of attention she was getting from her. She was especially upset to find out her partner was flirting with other women!


In response, the writer decided to seek attention elsewhere and started talking to other women behind her girl’s back.


She said she loved her partner and wanted to make the relationship work, but her actions said something completely different.

Both women think that flirting and talking with other women is harmless, but what they don’t realize is that once they start looking for emotional fulfillment outside the relationship, it’s already over. Once they’ve opened up the doorway to cheating, they will most likely go all the way.

And maybe that’s the point. Some people use cheating to get out of having to say, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” It’s a really lazy and messy way to end a relationship, because it forces the other person to make the decision to break up.

Plus, cheating doesn’t really solve any problems. How can it? In addition to causing a lot of hurt and drama, it just causes more problems.


Here are five things that happen when you cheat, even if you never get caught:


You end up sneaking around. It is a lot of work to keep your tracks covered. You’ve got to delete suspicious messages from your phone, think 10 steps ahead of her and think of believable lies to keep your tracks covered.


And really who has time for that? Most of the time when you cheat, the person you are cheating with is not the love of your life, they are just a jump off and you can get that any time and anywhere when you’re single.


I hate to see black women waste their time and talents on pointless things. Use the energy you would put into cheating by making a contribution to the world or make your life better.  Volunteer, go to school, read a book or get a part time job.


You become less trustworthy. This may seem obvious, but here’s why: once you start keeping things from your partner, the energy between you shifts. Your partner knows something is up because a woman’s intuition is strong. Even if she can’t tell what exactly is going on, she will start paying closer attention to you in order to figure out what’s different. This only means it will be a matter of time before she finds out what you’re up to.


You create emotional distance between you. Remember how it felt when you first met and fell in love? You couldn’t get enough of each other, you couldn’t stop talking and texting each other because she was so freaking amazing. What was happening between you two was bonding.


Cheating creates an emotional distance between you, which makes it harder for you to have those easy, trusting and open conversations that help strengthen your bond. Instead of seeing the beauty and good in each other and working to understand each other, you find faults and problems. These cause you to keep the barriers up and so the distance grows.


You’ll stop putting in effort into your relationship but start putting in effort to look good for someone else. If you’re spending time trying to look good when you go to work and never make an effort to look cute at home or when you guys go out together, she’ will start wondering what the hell is going on.


You  become less interested in working on your relationship because your mind is preoccupied with your dirt and the woman or women you’re doing your dirt with. So your primary relationship will take a backseat to the one that’s new and exciting.


You’ll live in fantasy world. The combination of the excitement of meeting someone new and having a secret affair means that you’re caught up in the rush of the new person. You think this other person is much better and easier to get along with than your current partner but that’s not true.


Most likely you only see the new person for very short periods of time and when you do, you’re on your best behavior. Most likely you’ll never be in a situation where you need to face real problems and solve them together, which means you’ll just keep preserving your fantasy world.

Honestly Relationships Sometimes Suck

We share a lot of happy stories on this site, however, we also share a lot of tough love stories from women who have made a lot of relationship mistakes and learned their lesson. And I have as well.


The bottom line is when it comes to dealing with another person’s heart, we should never make permanent decisions about temporary feelings. Sometimes relationships will suck. Sometimes our partners will drive us crazy, upset us or make questionable decisions, but if you have a good partner and a good relationship, those feelings of frustration will pass.


We all come into relationships with issues and annoying habits. It’s up to you to decide what’s worth overlooking, what can be worked out over time and what’s a deal breaker.

And if you can’t work things out, be woman enough to stand up and say, “I deserve better.” Leave your relationship with integrity so that your next relationship starts with integrity.

Feature image by photographer Funk Brother J at http://intimatefootprints.com.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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    In my relationship i go thro that not trusting wondering feeling un wanted beacuse of the cheating and cheap shots that are thrown at me and somtimes we both hurt each others feeling just to be spiteful. And at times i want to leave beacuse its easier for me to do so beacuse thats what im us to. There is a saying anything easy is not worth keeping. But if its worth fighting for then its worth it.
    dont know if thats true but ill agree with that. So day to day i watch with a mindful eye and a low tone just to see were it goes sometimes i feel like its going nowhere and then other times i feel like its going everywere in do time i guess…..

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