Celebrating black lesbian love and relationships!
Health & Spirituality

Have a Grown-Woman Relationship With Mindful Communication

Written by Zamara Perri 

Communication can break or make a relationship. This is the first in a series of articles sharing how we can improve the way we communicate with the women we love.


The healthy black lesbian relationship involves lots of mindful communication.

The healthy black lesbian relationship involves lots of mindful communication.


A couple nights ago before I went to bed, my honey and I exchanged some heated words. I said something smart to her and she was not having it. Instead of falling asleep in each other’s arms like we usually do, we slept on opposite sides of the bed.

Yesterday morning I woke her up with kisses. She made me breakfast and drove me to the train station. But she was still mad and no amount of sweet kisses was going to make her forget that we hadn’t addressed the issue.

The issue is that when it comes to communication, I’m a work in progress. I admit that a recurring relationship challenge I have is diarrhea of the mouth. I’m admittedly a smart ass. I’m that chick that always got something to say. I think I’m funny or think what I say is not a big deal, but my partner doesn’t often agree. This can lead to upset.


When I’m upset with anyone, my communication style is to get angry, withdraw and give the other person the silent treatment. For my honey, when she gets angry, she yells.


I realized really early on in our relationship that the way we related when we got angry, was NOT a recipe for long lasting love. In fact it was a recipe for building resentment.


So, we made a commitment to improve the way we speak to each other. We also had to improve the way we ended our fights. To know me is to know that little fights become the setting for days of pouting, arguing and acrimony. But now instead of pouting, I take a time out, put on my big girl panties and work with my partner to squash the issue instead of letting it fester into World War III. That old strategy of pouting for days only ended up creating distance, which impacted our intimacy and created cracks in the foundation of the relationship I said I wanted.

So when I got home from work, we sat down and talked. She told me that when I spoke to her a certain way, she felt disrespected and unloved. And instead of being too proud to admit I was wrong, I apologized and promised to do better. She forgave me but also admitted that she was still pissed.


Mindful Communication 101: Speak With Kindness

This relationship is one in which I plan to practice mindful communication, which means purposefully speaking to my partner with kindness and love. As someone who is uber sensitive (as most smart asses are), I don’t want her saying something mean or nasty to me, so why should I do that to her? Even if it’s supposed to be funny or meant to be harmless, there’s nothing funny about hurting the one you love.


It recently occurred to me that we are actually happy. It has been a long time since either of us had simply been happy in a relationship that has low-drama. This is definitely unusual to me.

I know the reason  I’m happy is because I’ve decided that I want a grown-woman relationship.

And the key to that is being mindful about the way I spoke to the woman I love.


I’m learning as I go along and plan to share the communication tips I’ve learned over the next few weeks. I’d love your feedback! Please comment below with tips on what works for you and your love.

Facebook Comments

Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Join the discussion

  1. Avatar

    I was in a relationship like that, unfortunately it did not last long. I was the quite one, my partner all talk and no listen. I learned that I have to be assertive, but not to be overwhelming. My next relationship will have more talk and listening. Thanks for the article. It was very helpful.

  2. Avatar
    Withlove, Tania

    I have the same problem. I have no filter but the difference is I’m not being smart. I just communicate exactly what I think. For me it’s clear, concise, and there’s no way for someone to misunderstand because I’m telling you exactly how I feel. But for my partner, she feels it is often mean or cruel. Which is never my intention. I’m often telling the truth without any sugar coating.

    I like to think my communication skills are good. I come to her. To tell her the problem I am face or the problem I feel we are facing. I use my inside voice. I practice taking turns talking with out cutting her off. However she had poor communication skills. Which makes it difficult.

    Can’t wait for the rest of the series!

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Good communication is a two-way street. If you’re not telling your partner what’s going on, how can you expect her to make any changes? I will say that the same way we talk to everyone else should not be the way we talk to our partners. I had a partner who was straight no chaser with everything she said. I found our conversations very hurtful even though that was not her intention.

      • Avatar
        Withlove, Tania

        I have the same problem. I just say what’s on my mind. No filter. And its apparently hurtful. But that’s never my intention.

  3. Avatar

    I like that you are making the conscious and healthy decision to support the growth of your relationship in a positive manner. I surely hope the Love Goddess’ piece supports.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: