Celebrating black lesbian love and relationships!
three black women natural hair friendship
Sisterhood featuring @zoeallamby @alannanicolexx @kingkesia | by @ky | outfits: @kingkesia Photo by @kylebabb​
About Our Family

My Ex-Girlfriends Are My Best Friends

Written by Kimberly Simmons

“Why do you want to see me after all these years?”

Her answer, “Before anything else, we were friends first. I miss my friend.”

This was a conversation my ex-girlfriend and I had before she came to visit me. Yes, after breaking up over 10 years ago, my ex-girlfriend and I are still friends. As a matter of fact, I am still friends with two of my five ex-girlfriends.

I’ve gotten into several online debates about this, but at the end of the day, this works for me.

Five Reasons I am still Friends with my Exes

black woman looking at photos of black women

Starting our relationships out as friends made it easier to transition to friendship when we broke up. Photo by Christian Fregnan

1 We got to know each other before the relationship began.

This means we really got to know each other’s minds before we got to know each other’s sexual desires. We built a friendship and a support system.

2 One of my exes became my best friend.

Even after we broke up, she still supported me as I supported her. When there were problems in our new relationships, we could call each other up, have a conversation, see where we were right or wrong, and resolve it with our partners. We did not sugar coat the truth about anything.

3 Our partners met each other.

I had a firm rule that if I am dating you, you will know everyone in my circle of friends, including the ex (es).

4 We RESPECT each other’s relationships.

There is no going behind anyone’s back, sneaking around, being secret lovers. We don’t even think each other as exes anymore.

5 When all else fails, they know that I have their back and vice versa.

This means if we need to just vent about anything, we need encouragement, that push, we are there for each other.

Here’s my story, how it works for me.

Veronica and I met online.  At the time, she had a car and I just got paid, so we met for the first time at Taco Bell. She picked me up, I paid for dinner. We enjoyed each other’s company and she headed back to her duty station.

We took the time to get to know each other without sex. Six weeks later, we decided to move toward a relationship.

We Had Each Other’s Backs

black queer women with snow in afros back to back

@limitlessafricans project with @therealyewande and @kidandfro

When I started having seizures, she took care of me. She even came to class with me until I was released from my doctor’s care. When I was laid off, she helped me move to her home and allowed me to go to school while she worked.

When she was deployed, she left me to manage her finances while she served our country. While overseas, a misunderstanding caused us to break up. I did not leave her high and dry, however, I did move on.

We Were a Family

Danica was also in the military. We became fast friends, and I introduced her to Veronica via emails and phone calls. They were going to be at the same duty station while deployed, so this made me feel a bit more at ease.

A week before Danica was to be deployed, our friendship of three months escalated into a relationship. She and Veronica met and they kept me abreast of all they were experiencing. When they returned, we were a family.

Danica allowed the arrangement between Veronica and I to remain intact where I did not have to work if I stayed in school and kept my grades up. For a little while, we all lived together until Danica was able to get our own apartment.

I was her Best Woman at Her Wedding

Once we moved into our home, Danica and I still hung out with Veronica and her new girlfriend. When I dislocated my knee, when I had the flu, Veronica and/or her partner were there with me when Danica had to work. This was years ago.

Today, Veronica and I still chat daily. When she got married, I was her best woman. When she needs advice, she comes to me for my opinion, the same with me to her. Yes, the relationship ended over 15 yrs ago, but the friendship is still there today.

I Missed My Friend

So, what happened with me and Danica? That one was tricky. That breakup was hard on me. The connection we shared reached my soul. Even after we broke up, she was still there for me, and I was there for her.

The chick after me used Danica and left her high and dry. One phone call and I took care of everything and I left. Over the years, we would text each other, “happy birthday”, “congratulations”, “my condolences” and “I am proud of you”.

For 10 years, this was our conversation, until she said, “I miss my friend.” Her visit was awesome, and to this day, we still chat monthly. There is no emotional connection, no pining about getting back together with either of them. We are literally just friends.

When I look at my adult life, I know that some of my biggest supporters are two of my exes closest friends.

Do I still carry a torch for them? Nope, that ship has sailed, but I do love them, love them like sisters, like best friends.


READ: Stop Making Your Ex a Factor in Your Current Relationship

Facebook Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: