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We Are Not Ready for the Relationships We Claim We Want

It took me a few tries before it sunk in. I would go around telling everybody and their mama who would listen to me that I wanted and deserved a special kind of woman. I would spell out exactly what I wanted in my dream woman.

Like most women intent on avoiding another bad relationship and serious about manifesting someone different from my exes, I even wrote about her in my journal.

The trouble was, I was journaling about, dreaming about and talking about a relationship that I was just not yet ready for. How did I come to figure that out? Because I kept ending up in situations that were not what I wanted.


Setting Myself Up for Failure

Some nice enough, attractive enough and interesting enough woman would come along, and I would forget everything on my list and I would end up in another situationship. Surprise, surprise, those situations didn’t work.

The very first time I realized I was doing this–setting myself up for failure, it didn’t feel good. The woman I was in the midst of seducing had already proven to me that she wasn’t particularly interested in anything other than casual sex. And if I was in that same heads pace, that casual sex would have been great! The words coming out of her mouth said one thing, but her actions were completely different. But, for a minute I thought I could change her mind.

The second time I noticed I was doing this, it was with someone who had a lot of my deal breakers. She had a life that I was not interested in sharing at all, but she was so good looking. And I had convinced myself that I could look past those deal breakers. I played myself by letting us do the long phone conversations and movies at her house situation.


Ending the Cycle of Crazy

In the past, I would have forced a relationship or created something just to be in a relationship.

But this time, thankfully, I put an end to it before I got emotionally caught up. Backing away from both of those women was not easy. But the signs were there. They had been clear about what they wanted even if they said something different.

I did not want all of what they had to offer. Getting involved would have been selfish, unfair and only led to heartbreak on both of our parts. I would have caught feelings. They would have caught feelings. We would have ended up miserable because feelings alone could not account for the what wasn’t there. I had been there before.

Some folks say they want a great relationship, but ignore what they say they want as soon as they get lonely, horny, desperate, sad. No judgment from me at all because I’ve done it. When we settle or jump into something that doesn’t match what we want, there is bound to be conflict.

And that’s gonna happen whether that person is a jerk or the woman of your dreams. Let me explain a little bit more. We can say we want the perfect woman all we want, but if we don’t believe we are worthy of her, it’s going to be tough.


Why it Didn’t Work With The Cuddle Buddy

I remember once turning a cuddle buddy into a serious relationship. We were not at all in sync, and we constantly butted heads. She was a good woman, but all I could see were her flaws. Because my self-esteem was so low, anytime she disagreed with me, all I could see was her criticizing me. (Now there were times when she was legitimately out of line, but many times her intentions were good, I just couldn’t see it).

People reflect back to us what we believe about ourselves. And many of us truly don’t believe we deserve real love. Our beliefs have been so deeply ingrained in us over a period of years and decades that it’s hard to let them go, even when we think we have. But if we truly want a great relationship, we’ve got to get to work on ourselves.

A truly great relationship starts with self, sis. Start looking in the mirror and accepting and loving yourself, flaws and all. Until we do this work, we will be nowhere ready to have the relationship we claim we want.

Feature photo courtesy of Juan Stevens. Check out his work at funkbrotherj.tumblr.com.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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    Quitelife8 8

    Hi am cool just looking for love x

  2. Avatar

    I truly enjoy the topics and couples featured here simply because they are real and speak truth to life. Thanks for providing stories which are often a reflection of “real” relationships.

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