Celebrating black lesbian love and relationships!

Sappho’s Salon: Why Don’t Lesbians Want Relationships?

Love is a beautiful thing but not all lesbians are looking for it.

Everyone wants love, commitment, loyalty, communication and respect, right? Photo courtesy of She Meets Her

Written by Leah Glass

I’m on the dating scene for the first time in my life. I’m 50 years old. I have three grown children and 10 grandchildren. I was married to a man and then divorced.  I had only been with women since then.

My first relationship with a woman lasted for 10-plus years. She was my first lesbian relationship and I took pride that she was the only woman I had been with.  When I moved to the state that she lived in, I found out she cheated. So I broke up with her and moved by myself into the home I had bought for the two of us.

Now that I’m dating, I’m running into people who are sometimes shallow, gold diggers or just looking for sex.  

And I’m not looking for any of that.  My cousin’s mother once told me: “Baby, you can get f***** when you can’t get fed.” She is in her eighties but she was so right!

I’ve talked to some women, but they are not looking for what I’m looking for.  And that is the relationship like my grandparents had–that forever type of love.  We are all looking for love, commitment, loyalty, communication and respect, right? Wrong!

I’m starting to realize that some lesbians don’t want relationships and I wonder why. Well I could have just given you my opinion, but that wouldn’t be right.  So, I asked some of my friends and family members. Here is what they had to say:

La: We as people make it so easy to just sleep around.

We don’t date. We just meet people for the first time and end up in bed with that person.

And the majority of the time that’s the end of that when you just give it up that fast.

I’ve hung out with studs in strip joints and at other events. A lot of women don’t have morals. All a stud has to do is smile at these women and they just drop their panties. These studs don’t even have anything going for themselves! Some of them have sex appeal that’s out of this world (swag). I also notice that some people are just greedy and want it all—the wife at home and that side chick.

Becca: Some people are very scared of commitment, some are still playing the field and some are hanging on to their past.

Kai: Most people aren’t being honest with one another. Everyone should just be honest and let everyone involved with them know what they are looking for.

What does Leah Denise Glass think is the reason lesbians don’t want relationships? I agree with what my friends have to say. I also think that some of us are just greedy and want the best of both worlds. And some lesbians are just not emotionally available for any one while some just don’t know what they want.

I think everyone needs to just be honest and look for that inner beauty instead of the outer appearance. Especially since what usually looks good on the outside is never good on the inside. Women learn your self worth and know that you are worth true love.


We’ve told you what we think, join us in Sappho’s Salon. Tell us, why do you think lesbians don’t want relationships?

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Avatar
    lacelle white

    SOME lesbians don’t want relationships. SOME heterosexual men and women don’t want relationships. SOME bi-sexual, transgendered and all in between don’t either. I think it’s more of an individual human thing rather than a lesbian thing. I have had periods of wanting to be booed up and other periods where I was focusing on myself, wanted companionship from a woman but not a full blown relationship.
    Don’t get me wrong, it is hard to find another person in this big world who is in the exact same place and space (ready for relationship, casual encounter, etc.) as you are. And it is definitely frustrating to time after time run into women who cannot express, communicate, commit or be honest about their intentions. But I am hopeful that those knuckleheads make up a small percentage of the lesbian population. Or perhaps I’m too optimistic about it all! Thanks for the post.

    • Avatar
      Leah Glass

      Thank,you for replying. And you are right. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic. And feel that I will find that special love like my grand parents had. Some times I wonder if I should just settle and then I say no why.

      • Avatar
        Ellyn McNamara

        I have known what I wanted for a while. When I decided that I was ready to date I did. But when I wasn’t ready I did tell women the truth, I just wasn’t ready to date. I’m not into stringing people along and hope not to have that done to me. I am almost 40 and I too want that forever love. I didn’t settle just to be with someone. Sharing the same values and goals are important, so is feeling a connection with the person that I love. I spent a few years enjoying being single and when the time was right the right woman was introduced to me unexpectedly. I am glad that I took the time to do the work, heal, and know my self worth. Now I have the relationship that I craved for many years, first an amazing relationship with myself, so that I have something of value to offer her. I am emotionally available and ready for a mature, loving relationship.

        • Avatar

          Ellyn McNamara – I love what you said above! Wishing yourself and your partner well! Good for you! I’m currently doing my work. SO many nuggets in what you said! So much to unpack here! Blessings!

    • Avatar

      I agree with everything you just said. . .! ?????

  2. Avatar

    Not everything, is for, everyone

  3. Avatar

    I’m loving this blog, I really wish you guys would allow reblogs, for I reblog other sites on Sundays. Rock on!

  4. Avatar

    I think most women want to be in a relationship but it has to be the right one.
    As women, we tend to fall in love so quickly. We dont take time to get to know the person well. After dating for a while you both still love each other ( the emotions part), the sex is still mind blowing and you have lots of fun together. This covers your immediate needs ….emotional, physical and social.
    Then you realize your goals conflict. Example: she is ready to settle down and focus on the relationship while you are at the peak of your career or business life. Personalities could conflict too….. She could be the jelous insecure type while you are more of a social bee and most faithful partner. This will cause fear to commit. I think being friends first ( for about 6 months) would be a better approach so that you get to know the person better.

  5. Avatar

    I think its a lot of factors that play into lesbian relationships. Religion plays a part, self image, age, morals, life experiences. When I was young, I wanted my cake and eat it to but the older I got that changed. My values changed, you have to work to get what I have offer. Woman want to be loved and some dont care where its coming from, just love me that’s what drives there decisions. Woman wearing a strap around have something to prove and are trying to out due a man. A woman going back to a man is a studs worse nightmare, if we as women don’t start taking care of our mental and emotional health we are not going to have any kind of healthy relationships. Be true to self and the rest will follow, understanding self
    is the root and foundation of our life.

  6. Avatar

    I honestly cannot speak others but for me I do not like the stress of relationships. Also, now at 47 I love being single and I do not sleep around, because I have standards which I refuse to lower.

  7. Avatar
    Elozia Williams

    I think we’ve just gotten to the point where we want it all and and we want it now. There is no courting. Just meet, have sex then poof! I think everyone wants love, they are just too scared, too lazy, or too eager to work at it. If it doesn’t feel perfect, it’s on to the next one.

  8. Avatar

    I think lesbians don’t want a relationship because there are so many straight women out there that’s so eager to give in or try a lesbian experience after being treated so bad by a man. In other words, lesbians wants to try to turn as many of straight woman out as they can. So why be in a committed relationship? Today’s studs are truly taking on the role on a man, whose goals are to screw all of the coochie they can before they die.

  9. Avatar

    I’m thinking that there are different times in your life where you can’t handle a relationship emotionally and times when you are ready. What I wonder about are the people who say they don’t want a relationship but get comfortable with their ‘fun’ partner and act like they are in a relationship and then cut it off when the other person expects a relationship after all. Even though they are honest in the beginning and say no relationship they keep it going looking for more. The messages are confusing to me. Also sleeping with multiple partners and acting like you are in a relationship with one seems dishonest to me. I’ve seen that as well. All in the name of ‘fun’.

  10. Avatar

    I can not answer that question based on my experience,for I love being in a committed relationship,I AM 60 years Young,been there,done that,so I date with purpose,to meet my wife,I make it clear from the beginning,so therefore we do not waste precious time and emotions,everybody does not want same thing and that’s ok with me,know what you desire and seek only that until your desire and needs changes.When I’m real and authentic with self I’m able to be that with others.

  11. Avatar

    I spent my 20’s, in relationships. My 30’s single, and now, at 40, ready for that life long committed relationship.
    I have found, most, are holding onto past, everything’s, and cannot/will not, move on.
    From childhood trauma, to the most recent encounters, people allow past to rule present, thus, future.
    Other than a newborn(and, this, is subjective), WHO, has not experienced hurt, pain, disappointment, etc.?
    The root, is ourself. We hide, from self. Avoid, self. Thus, no healing, takes place.

  12. Avatar

    Hm. I can’t speak for everyone but the issue for me is timing. I’m in college and plan to move right into my Masters Degree (MBA). I have goals. Lofty goals and most women require way too much attention to try to build an empire and love them at the same time. They equate “I love you” with attention. They don’t realize that they can’t have all of your attention ever. Example: With one partner, I had just completed and submitted a 10-page paper for class. Immediately after my partner wanted to have sex. Huh? Can I wind down for a second? She felt that if my attention isn’t on school or work, it should be on her. No clarity time. No recharging time. No me time. This has happened with my relationships on more than one occasion. I decided that until I could be fully present, I won’t entertain a relationship. The issue is, I will never be able to be fully present they way most of the women I’ve met want. Being with me will involve bringing work home, business trips, etc. I’ve yet to find someone who can relate; has her own life; understanding; patient; etc. I thought about have a sex partner but ultimately, I want more (forever relationship) and so I can’t just have someone around for sex. For me to put effort into that takes a lot so I might as well be in a relationship. So I’m sitting over here building my empire with full faith that the one for me will meet up with me on my journey towards greatness.

  13. Avatar
    S Jaye James

    Relationships are complicated! The vast majority of women are emotional beings that, once open to the possibility and /or potential of love, she clinches on being to afraid to let go. We settle even though we are well aware of our worth. So, do we want to be involved only to avoid the loneliness or do we want to be single and amongst the crowd of other lesbians that aren’t familiar with or incapable of giving and receiving that “Forever” type of love? I want … happiness. Some lesbians have one foot in the door and the other out of the door because she’s too afraid to let love happen. Leah, I want a love like my grandparents had too. Papa was always there for her and Momma was always there for him. Problems were discussed and resolved by compromising. Love was given and taken. It’s sad! As of current, I do know that I deserve much more than I’m currently receiving. I also realize that it’s time to let her go. It hurts and it will for some time, but I love me more than a mediocre relationship that consists mainly of giving for the other party to take and not even appreciate. Where are all of the good women?!?

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