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Stop Making Up to Break Up: 9 Reasons To Bounce, Permanently

Giving up is hard to do.

Stop the make-up-to-break-up cycle. Photo courtesy of Black Naturals.

Written by Femme Noire/Get Your Life Girl

We all know someone (or we are that someone) who is caught up in the rapture of make up to break up. You find yourself examining the conditions of your relationship and your love life becomes a repetitive mantra of you saying statements like, ‘I love her, but then again I’m not IN love with her’. “She said she would change but I just know she won’t.’ ‘Maybe things will get better if I stick it out’; and a laundry list of more miserable thoughts about your partner.


At one time or another we have all been in the conundrum of figuring out if the relationship we are in is even worth the effort and fight.

The running joke is lesbians love the make-up-to-break-up monotony and it takes them a long time to actually break up. (I don’t know why people always use us as the prime example of make-up-to-break-up scenarios when plenty of straights and gay men do it too, but I digress).


Admittedly there are plenty of lesbians who do practice this dating cycle. Knowing when to let go is quite the battle. We always hear that love is worth fighting for and relationships take work. If this is the case, how does one decipher when the work has crossed over into “this is tew murch” territory? Below are nine ways that will help you know when to cut your losses and get gone for good:


  1. She’s a cheater and she begs you to take her back, you take her back and in six months it happens all over again. Is it worth it to sacrifice your sanity just to appease your mate in the hopes that one day she will see your value and decide to commit herself wholeheartedly to you? The answer is based on an individual basis. It’s simple, some chicks will deal with complete fuckery and some won’t. If you know you deserve better you will be with someone who will do better. We’ve seen ourselves, friends, and family members dragged and trodden by love. As cliché as it sounds, love should never hurt. If it hurts and you are single one week and booed up again the next, then maybe you need to think about permanently having shorty put everything she owns in a box to the left.


  1. Did you move into the relationship too fast? Don’t let them pretty ass teeth and them cute bowlegs with a perfectly pert ass sitting right on top fool you. When you meet someone new, she is pulling out all the stops to prove to you why you should choose her. It’s like a job interview. Only a fool would go into an interview and let the interviewee know that while they will start the job giving it 100%, in two to three months they will be lucky if they give 20%. The same applies with new love interest. You are both enamored with each other and admiration causes those eyes to go blind to the early “not so cool” signs you may see in a person.  While you may be sincere you have no way of proving whether her intentions are genuine. If stories don’t add up and your gut is telling you that you may be dealing with a complete looney tune, you better take heed. Before you know it you can be in love and in a relationship that may take you on hellish emotional roller coaster ride.


  1. Have you been in the relationship for so long and feel stuck? This is tricky because long term relationships have up and down moments. Sometimes you are madly in love and can’t stand being away from her for one second. And other times you may go in the bathroom and just sit on the john and use your phone for an hour just to be away from her. All courses in life have phases. There is a big difference in being in love but going through a slow patch and being out of love and just staying with her because it’s been a decade. If you two are regularly feeling like you are trying to find ways to get back to the love but it’s just not working (counseling, vacations, date nights) then maybe it’s time to access the possibility of moving on from what may feel like a pseudo-relationship. Stop living in the same house together and taking “breaks” to try to rekindle the flame.


  1. Does the relationship bring more pain than joy? Sometimes we are blinded by the past happy moments. If you feel frustrated, upset and unhappy all the time, then perhaps this is not the right person for you. Maybe their current actions towards you are different and they are not treating you the same. You keep relying on the past and hoping they will change back to the person they once were. You are hurting and they could give a shit less. You are being taken for granted and they continue to manipulate you for their own personal gain. Stop breaking your own heart and move on.


  1. You keep expecting each other to change. Change comes from within. If an individual doesn’t see a problem in the way they are doing things then your words will fall on deaf ears. If you are staying in a relationship and expecting someone to change, then you are in the relationship for all the wrong reasons. You are trying to make them fit your expectations rather than accept them as they are. Stop the make-up-to-break-up song and dance because they won’t change to appease you.


  1. Any abuse (verbal or physical)? You need to bounce. Simply put. Ain’t no hotline bling for someone who is supposed to love you yet they are abusive towards you. Don’t work it out; get out. Avoid her like the plague.


  1. Do either of you put any effort into the relationship? Chile when she ask you to eat her out and it feels like an absolute chore and all you can think is it must be tangy twat Tuesday than you know it’s a done deal. Ha! I kid, I kid. Relationships take constant work–full of romance, communication, and spontaneity. Women love the element of courtship and surprise no matter how long you have been together. All women always want to feel special. Making someone feel special takes effort. It doesn’t have to extravagant measures to let your partner know you care. It’s the little things that count. With the busyness of life we may not always show our lover enough attention. It’s bound to happen.  If you are continuously communicating that you don’t feel valued or loved, or you feel like you are the only one who puts forth the effort and she still does not meet you half way then maybe it is time to reevaluate if she is the person for you.  You leave her, she does better to get you back but after she gets you back she reverts back to her old habits and now you are unhappy again. Move right along.


  1. Does the relationship hold you back from individual growth? ‘Nah boo don’t go to school.’ ‘Why you want a new job when the one you are at pays the bills.’ ‘You probably can’t do that.’ A lover should constantly push you to be a better you. Life is constant evolution and as we get older and wiser our brain seeks new ways to improve where we stand in life.  If she isn’t your biggest cheerleader then who else is? She should have your ass feeling like Kim Possible out this mother. Jealousy can exist in relationships too. If she never supports any new goals you have set for yourself, which will ultimately improve your unit as a couple, then you probably need to leave her stagnant ass right where she is at. Stop breaking up with her every time you sign up for college courses and then taking her back after she’s convinced you to drop out.


  1. Do you both just feel the same way?  Do you find you have to replay the happy moments of the past to convince yourself to prolong your relationship? Your relationship exists in the current moment. Your decision to stay with a person should be based on your current feelings and the present state of the relationship. Things change, people change. If the feeling are gone, they are gone. Sometimes we stay in situations for companionship but what is a house if it’s not a home? Love and partnership is supposed to feel like home. Just because you love the person, does not mean you have to be with the person. Giving up is so hard to do, but it might be the only way you two can truly be happy.


Don’t get caught up in a permanent make-up-to-break-up wheel. If you are constantly splitting up with your boo it’s time to get serious with yourself and question if the seesaw love is worth it. Time is something you cannot get back. Time stands still for no one. You can do bad all by yourself.

This article was first published on November 17, 2015 by Get Your Life Girl and is edited and republished here with permission.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Avatar
    Leah Glass

    Love this article. My first relationship was like this and she cheated. I feel that I’m number 1 and 3. She always promise she would change but didn’t. And then I said by Felicia and that was it. At this point and time I’m so happy,without her and that 12 years of misery.

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