Photo: Hip Hop artist Harsh Notes
Written by Harsh Notes
I’ve been rapping for over 10 years now. Music is in my veins. I’ve literally cried and bled to make the music that I do. I love just expressing myself, telling my story and having people relate to it.
But even music couldn’t help me with my depression.
I Had Thoughts of Hurting Myself
It started with excessive sleeping and eating. I still hung out with friends, but I frequently had moments of sadness. I would get so depressed and stressed that I would scream, have thoughts of hurting myself or other people (more so myself). I locked myself away. That’s when music became my outlet. My songs got darker.
My depression and anxiety always went hand-in-hand. It led me to feeling like I was always getting cheated on in relationships. Needless to say, there’s not one person I’ve dated that has tolerated it.
I started feeling so down about myself and I felt like I was a waste of space.
I Put a Knife to My Wrists
After a bad argument with a girlfriend, I threatened to kill myself. I was 19. I put a knife to my wrists, but it was so dull that it hurt to even attempt to break my skin. My girlfriend at the time called 911.
When the cops and the paramedic came, I told them I was alright, but it was too late.
The cop said, “We don’t take these things lightly. You can say you’re alright, but you’re still coming with us. You can either get arrested, spend time in jail and still go, or get on this stretcher willingly and get yourself help.”
They took me to a clinic for three days. I spoke to someone, but I refused medication. My family knew that my depression was serious at that point.
Music Wasn’t Helping
That was five years ago. Recently, I started having feelings of worthlessness and my lack of self care showed up in my weight. It had gotten so bad it raised concerns.
I also realized that music wasn’t helping heal the pain anymore. I lost my passion for it.
So when I reached out for help, I learned I had anxiety and depression. I finally started speaking to a therapist.
I’m On Prozac Now
After many years and refusal, I gave in and agreed to take medication. My problem was I didn’t want to be dependent on medication. I felt like it would make my thoughts of suicide worse or I would become addicted. But I talked to my mom and she thought I should try.
My doctor told me that I can always get off of it and they will always monitor me to make sure this was what I want.
I’m happy that I got help. I’m upset that it took this long to receive it.
They have me on a low dose of Prozac and I take counseling once a month due to my hectic work schedule. I still have moments of irritability, but it wasn’t as bad before. I’m not sure if they’ll increase my dosage, but I do notice a change in behavior. I’ve also lost weight and I don’t eat when I’m upset anymore.
I’ve noticed I’m less antsy. I don’t worry and overthink as much as I used to. I don’t think about hurting myself. I smile more. I eat less, which makes me feel satisfied with what I do eat. Things that used to make me upset, don’t anymore. I have a lot more patience at work.
My Self Care Is Helping to Build a Relationship
I’m not in a relationship, but I am talking to someone. I have told her that I was depressed and anxious and her feelings did not change. She’s seen the worse of my overthinking. The good thing is she’s seen both sides while other girlfriends have only seen my depression. She’s had a lot of patience with me. She sees a change and she supports me. I’ve worked on myself to help build our relationship.
5 Tips for Dating Someone With Depression
- Being depressed is not about being “moody.” It’s a mental illness.
- Be patient. It’s easy to get frustrated when your partner is constantly sad, but please understand that depression is a lifelong battle.
- Be supportive and encouraging. Reassure her that you care for her and will work with her as best as you can to get her through her rough times.
- Know that people with depression are not automatically toxic.
- Depression can be managed with the proper medication and support. So remind her to take care of herself, to take her medication and regularly speak to a therapist.
Asia Covington aka Harsh Notes is a full-time student working on her degree for music production. She hopes to one day go into music education or music therapy.