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How to Support Each Other When Your Partner is Transitioning

Four years after meeting the woman who would later become my wife, I started doing the work of transforming into a higher dimension. Some transition mentally while some are here to transition physically. I had to do both.


I started asking myself, “Who am I? Why do I feel this way?”  There was a battle going on inside my mind and soul. I wouldn’t fight it, because I knew universal source would lead me to my own awakening and direction. Every time I thought about living my true, inner Be-Ing, it excited me. It made me get a natural high.


But then it would fizzle out when thoughts of fear started to overlap. Fear of rejection, fear of losing family and friends, fear of living my truth in the workplace. I was afraid of Be-ing in truth in a close-minded world.


These things also delayed the process. So that’s how I knew I wasn’t ready for my transition. I had more Inner work to do.


I had to feed my soul more love. It’s as if I was being forced to love myself more than the fear and more than anyone else’s opinion of me. This took time, daily meditation, self talk and processing universal wisdom. Sometimes I would be at work and crying on the spot and had no idea what brought it on.


I came to realize that I was grieving and my body was preparing to shed the old “me”–the person who had thought they were a woman, who had thought they were a lesbian. The Crying was the way my spirit healed itself.


As I begin the process of transitioning physically, I am now I’m in a place of peace.


After nine years together and five years of me transitioning, we got married on September 9, 2016. My wife and my best friend has been incredibly supportive.


Read Jai and BerLyn’s love story!

Here are some tips that worked for us as a couple and may work for you if your partner is transitioning:


  1. Both the transitioning partner and the one who isn’t should research what trans issues are.


  1. The transitioning partner should research the resources and steps taken by others before them.


  1. The partner who isn’t transitioning needs to research as well to educate themselves on how the trans partner may be feeling and how to assist in small ways.


  1. Find a workplace peer support for one or both.


  1. If possible, seek an LGBT therapist or someone or caters to the LGBT community.


  1. Talk to each other about the fears and about the preferred pronouns. Honestly share the process make each of you feel.


  1. Ask lots of questions and check in with each other to see what’s changing.


  1. Ask your partner if she feels comfortable going to doctor’s visits with her transitioning partner. And if she is not yet ready, ask if she will wait outside until ready to come in.

The featured photo is of  the author and transman, Jai, on his wedding day.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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