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Why You Need to Talk to Bae About Your Ex

Written by Zamara Perri

Some people feel some kind of way when their girlfriend brings up their ex. And some dating experts say talking about your ex, especially on a first date, could be a deal breaker. Even though I feel some kind of way too, I still encourage my partner of two years to to talk about the ex.

Just because you don’t talk about the ex with your girl, doesn’t mean she doesn’t think about her. And not bringing her up certainly doesn’t change the fact that she dated and loved someone before you. If you love your girlfriend, you should be grateful she let your boo go.


Here are six ways that you and your lover can win from previous relationships:

1. Talk about it.

I know it sounds weird, but when my partner and I first started dating, we talked about our exes A LOT. No, we didn’t have the ex talks on the first date.

When we both met, we were still healing from past relationships that had meant a great deal to us. So, it was not unusual for us to talk about them to each other. It soon became extremely clear how similar our ex situations were.

It was also clear to me that my boo still loved and was hurt by her ex. She also saw how fragile, guilty and worried I felt about getting into another relationship after leaving my last one.

Talking about them was cathartic. Plus, showing each other that it was safe to talk about hot-button topics like our exes, increased our trust and bond.

We couldn’t have asked for two better people to help process the pain with. And by talking about our exes, we learned each other’s sore spots and triggers. So when babe talked about how much it hurt her when her ex did Y, I made sure not to do that same thing. She did the same with me.


2. Learn from it.

Every relationship comes with opportunities to learn. It’s up to you to realize that. The partner who was not emotionally available, probably made you realize how important vulnerability and trust is to you.

If you don’t correct your behavior and stop picking emotionally closed women, that’s not her fault. It’s yours for not being honest with yourself and for not choosing women who can nourish your soul. The woman who hurt you probably taught you that you are capable of love and helped you realize how deeply you could love. That relationship not working out, probably made room in your life for your current love.


3. Grow from it.

Don’t allow what your ex did to impact your current relationship. Most likely your ex wasn’t there and had nothing to do with that relationship failing. Plus not all femmes are the same. Not all no-labels are the same. Not all studs are the same. Not all lesbians are the same.

Growth can occur when you can look back and make a different, better choice. You can also grow by learning to look at individuals and stop punishing your current for what your ex did.

4. Don’t stay stuck in the past either.

Even after breaking up, some lesbians don’t know how to let go of the exes.

Sometimes you even wonder why they break up if they want to keep things the same and keep spending tons of time with someone they couldn’t make it work with.

A grown up knows when to let go. See my earlier post about why I’m not friends with my exes.

5. Take responsibility for what you did.

Even if your ex did you dirty, she didn’t do it by herself. The way you become a better partner to your current girlfriend is to acknowledge when you were wrong and made mistakes. Then commit to doing better.

6. Keep the things that worked.

Most people stay mad at their exes and never have one positive thing to say about her. But the relationship couldn’t have been all bad. If it was, you wouldn’t be mad now. You’re mad because you loved her and you had some good times. If it was all bad you wouldn’t have given her a second of your time.

What were some of the things you truly enjoyed doing with your ex? If she introduced you to your wild side, I’m sure your current is grateful for that (or not if get sex drive isn’t very high). If you had children together, that’s a positive too. Did she introduce you to sports or the arts or traveling?

My exes taught me how to deal with a soft stud. They prepared me to be a great partner to my current soft stud who is extremely gentle and in touch with her feminine side.

Do you agree with the points made or do you think this post is crazy? Share your comments below.


Cover image features models Janae and Kassala photographed Jonny Riot.See more of Kassala’s work at www.kassalaholdsclaw.com.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Join the discussion

  1. Avatar
    Esther Hamran

    Nice post Z….its cool. But , what if you’ve never dated be4 and she’s your first ?

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Enjoy your first girlfriend sis. All these things still apply. You should be learning from and growing together ?

  2. Avatar

    I thoroughly enjoyed this read. Especially when you shared how you and your partner were healing from past ex’s. This is what I needed to read. Right on time. Peace.

  3. Avatar

    Good stuff here…lots of food for thought. Good job!

  4. Avatar

    Its interesting to read that cause its the exact opposite for me we cant talk about our exs or shit i cant cause all i hear is you still love her or go back to them its crazy what do i do about that? Or when we argrue its your just like him he treated me the same way. What do i do about that?

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