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Transitioning From Femme to Stem

FullSizeRenderWritten by Aryka Randall

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to transition from a feminine woman to a “stud” or “stem”? If you’ve ever really sat down and thought about it, you probably would come up with a variety of questions that would send you into a total tail spin. Really, stop and think about it for a moment. “What does it feel like to transition from a feminine identified woman to a masculine identified woman”?

Last week the The Fab Femme team had a chance to sit down with a young lady who experienced all the trials and tribulations included in “coming out as a stud”. We talked about a number of topics, including how she first came about dressing in a more masculine manner. She said:

The first time I decided to dress a little more boyish was because I felt more comfortable with myself in mens’ clothes. Some people stopped talking to me once I became more open with my wardrobe but I didn’t care. It made me feel good. I felt more comfortable and more confident. I started to wear T-shirts and boyish accessories.

I also realized that if I wanted to attract a certain type of woman, I’d have to dress a certain way. Getting femmes to notice me was much easier once I started dressing the way I liked.

Interestingly enough, femmes have quite the opposite problem when they come out as queer because they are nearly impossible to recognize out and about. While it is nice to have feminine women recognize you as a lesbian immediately, there are also con’s to “looking like a lesbian” in public. The young lady shared:

People think because I’m gay I want to talk to any girl who crosses my path. Sometimes people also think I’m a boy and call me sir or young man. I have a good sense of humor though so I laugh it off. “Looking” like a lesbian allows others to prejudge you right away. There are pros and cons to dressing like this.

One question we had for our guest that everyone was itching to know was “How does your mom and family feel about your transition“? Most mothers dream about their daughters marrying someone who’s tall, dark and handsome, has six figures sitting in his bank account, and is ready to create grandchildren at the drop of a dime. The dream of watching their little girl walk down the aisle in a luxurious white wedding grown is gone once she comes home wearing a fitted cap.

I waited like two years to come out to my mom. She was understanding and she said she knew long before I told her. She just told me that as long as I still go to church and talk to God she’s ok with it. My dad used to ask “when am I gonna get my little girl back”, but he doesn’t say that anymore. He’s come around.

When it comes to addressing qualms about your sexuality things can get complicated. Part of learning more about who you are as a person is becoming comfortable with the way you look and dress. The more you experiment with wardrobe choices the more comfortable you will become with your sexuality. Our guest agreed:

Make sure you are comfortable and don’t do what everyone anyone else is doing; Dress yourself. Don’t dress however people think a “stud” would dress. Play with different styles, have your own identity and be true to yourself.

Transitioning from a femme to a stud can be difficult. If you are a woman who’s toying with the idea of getting closer to your masculine side, know that you aren’t alone. Be comfortable with yourself and trust you gut! The real you will emerge at just the right time.

This article was originally posted on January 2, 2015 on www.TheFabFemme.com. It is reposted here with permission.


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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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