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What is a “Real” Lesbian?

via https://youtu.be/HpSozSKH5jw Can you spot a “real” lesbian from a “fake” lesbian? This is a question that seems to plague a lot of women who only find themselves attracted to other women.

Most of the time we are very much afraid of getting our hearts broken or having a woman leave us for a man, which is why we are obsessed with finding out if someone is a “real” lesbian.

In the black lesbian community, it seems like we use a lot of arbitrary ideas to measure how valid one woman’s attraction is to another.
I also realize that this is a protection mechanism as we must be intelligent about who we give our hearts to. But let’s be real here, there are lots of “real” lesbians that treat other women like crap.

I feel like our validation process is very much lacking. Some of us look at:
The way she dresses. If she wears menswear, then she must be a “real” lesbian. Sorry, that’s not true. There are lots of masculine women who still love and sleep with men.
The kind of sex she’s willing to have. If she takes the strap, then she’s not a lesbian. Or if she doesn’t get pleasure from performing oral sex, then she’s definitely faking about her interest in women. If she doesn’t like sex at all, then she’s MOST definitely NOT a lesbian.
The kinds of gender roles she performs. If she’s a masculine woman and doesn’t want to be the “man” in the relationship, then she can’t be a lesbian. Can she?
Her past relationships. If she dated or married men in the past, then she is not a lesbian. It can’t be that she was forced into relationships with men to survive in a patriarchal society, so she has to be faking.

Her children. I’ve been present for all kinds of conversations where women were legitimately confused about how two women can have children and call themselves lesbians. It got even worse if a stud had a baby, she just had to be taking dick on the side.

The fact that she’s not out to everyone. People have many legit reasons for not being out to everyone, but if by chance, a woman tells you that she can’t be out to ONE person in their lives, they MUST be a fake lesbian. And the list goes on and on and on. To me, all of these ideas are so limited and limiting. And in my opinion, most of these are pure fiction. Loving another woman is about much more than these random ideas.
I prefer a more holistic approach. For most of us sexuality is fluid, but for those who prefer women, it’s a deeper connection that encompasses all planes of consciousness–physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
But check out the video above, which was posted on Youtube for those who are not into Facebook. You can also check out the original Facebook video and conversation there. The conversation was hilarious. I learned a lot of new terms like Lesbian Fax, Fly-By-Night Lesbian and the Fisher Price Lesbian.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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