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Health & Spirituality

Why All Lesbian Femmes Should Buy Their Own Dildos

Written by Zamara Perri


“Ok so my girlfriend strap is too big…. i have expressed this to her a couple times and she laughed it off and made a joke of it…..idk what to do … i thought about buying another but i don’t know how she’ll take it … advice please.”


This post on Facebook broke my heart and brought back memories of my 20s and my first time having strap on sex. It looked like so much fun in porn. But not so much in real life. My girlfriends either had no clue or had dick envy or were used to having sex with women who had children. It hurt. It didn’t matter which woman I had sex with, it felt like I was being repeatedly punched in the cervix.

For some reason my femme girlfriends only had monster dildos. It never really occurred to me that it could be too big for me.

It was uncomfortable so I just told myself that I just didn’t like strap on sex. I told my lovers, I didn’t like being penetrated.

It wasn’t until my 30s that I had a partner who had a selection of dildos of varying sizes and lengths to select from. I closed my eyes and held my breath as she penetrated me with the shortest one. It didn’t hurt and I had so much fun. That was when the light bulb went off! I had a very short vaginal canal, so 9-inch dicks were never going to be fun for me.


Your Pleasure Matters, Too

I’m assuming the letter above is from a very young woman or a newly out lesbian who just wants to please her partner.

The partner may have a dildo that she likes, but guess who it’s penetrating? I say the person who is being penetrated gets to choose not to be in pain. The partner needs a reality check. One of the privileges of being a lesbian is not being stuck with a penis that you don’t like and can’t do anything about.

My message to this young lady and pretty much all femmes on the receiving end of a dildo is this: Buy your own dildo and strap. Why? Your pleasure matters too. Plus, they are really not that expensive and will help you weed out selfish and ignorant lovers.

Once you’ve figured out what kind of dildo works for you, then you and your lover are bound to have more fun. If she’s not okay with that arrangement, then who’s gon check you boo? She can bounce.

When asked for her thoughts on this, my “feminine” friend Mel, said she likes having her own dildo because she can control the cleanliness, quality of the materials and comfort.

“I have always been more of the strapper than the strapee,” she says. “I am all about comfort, mine and the other person’s. Finally, I found an amazing woman who has managed to not only make me love it…but also crave it like I’ve never had before. It’s the perfect size for me and she listens to my body. She understood that I wanted to give myself completely to her, but wanted to make sure she’d take care of me, which she has done so well. * bites bottom lip*”

So yep. Date a woman who is loving enough to care about her partner’s comfort and pleasure and a woman who isn’t willing to sacrifice your comfort at the altar of her giant ego. Toys are supposed to equal fun. If one person isn’t having fun, then that person gets to say no.

Plus, having your own strap resolves that silly argument that lesbians like to have where they want their partner’s to buy new sex toys with every new partner.

Finally, it’s freaking sexy when a woman can whip out her own dildo and tell her lover: “Relax boo, I came packing my own heat.”

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  1. Avatar
    The bisexual butch

    Love this post. This is good advice for pretty much anyone, including butch-loving butches. My butch has a selection of larger dildos for penetrating me (I’ve birthed a child, and am used to being penetrated), but she was nervous when she asked me to penetrate her (gold star lesbian, formerly stone most of her life). So I purchased a dildo that was short and small girth. She enjoyed the experience, and whispered to me afterward when I was holding her, “Next time, use a slightly bigger one.” That was a golden moment.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Fantastic butch! So many of us are closed off to this experience because we just don’t know any better and we have a lesbian culture that reinforces that type of ignorance. Glad it worked out for you and your love 🙂

  2. Avatar

    This was pretty good. Ive had 2 at one time – 7 inches andeep the other 5 inches. And i like the variety. I just dont like when girls think im a hoe for having that many or they ask “how many girls have you used those on?” Haha, what? But im definitely considering getting new ones. The right woman will appreciate my thoughtfulness. 🙂

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      That’s crazy why would they ask how many women you’ve used it on? That’s so none of their business. Lordt! Some women! SMH. And you’re correct, the right woman will appreciate your thoughtfulness 🙂

  3. Avatar

    Great topic. A lot of females who use straps really have no idea of how to be the driver and control it. ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL!

  4. Avatar

    ‘How many women have you used this on?’
    Why is this ‘wrong’, in getting to know, what, is entering my body?

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      So if she told you that you were the first person she used it on you’d believe her and feel safer? Having safe sex is about more than asking a few random questions. It’s also not about what you say but how you say it. We’ve got to master having a respectful conversation about each other’s sexual history.

  5. Avatar

    This is a conversation situation im dealing with right now with my stud i knew from just looking at it in pics it was to big for me but she was determined to prove me wrong that i could take it so i tried and it felt good but at the same time to much pressure inside me and then she ripped me we sometimes play while in action and in that moment after i was sore and hurt that meant cookie house was closed until healed and i didnt to much like that because i know she gets pleasure from that but my cookies said no so now we don’t use it at all if we do is slow and not deep until we figure an in between becausr for her it’s size for me it’s knowing what to do with any size big or small i want a 6 or 7 she wants about a 8 1/2 9 the one she has is like a 10 1/2 i feel like that the 9 or 8 still might be to big im used to short and skinny but we are working on it i hope soon we are in a ldr and i leave in a couple weeks id like to have some fun without worrying if it’s going to hurt or rip me again

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Sis, your note is concerning. Setting and enforcing clear boundaries in your relationships is critical. Please, please, please do not continue to engage in penetrative sex with a woman who willfully causes your pain and suffering. I would go further and say that you may want to re-examine the relationship overall. ~Z

  6. Avatar

    This is a great article! I was in a relationship with my lover for 5 months, and when we were intimate she would use a 9 inch dildo and I told her that I thought that is was too big for me. I am a petite woman and she had a thick body build. The experience was not pleasurable for me as it was for her and this was my first time with a woman. Afterwards, I started to bleed. I told her that the dildo was too large for me and for 3 days I was sore. When I told her that, she asked me, It’s a good sore right?” She also stated that she wanted to touch the bottom of me while we were having sex. I felt pressure in my anus. I have had c-section in the past and didn’t have my twins vaginally. We are no longer together and I am thankful for that! Thanks again for this article!

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Glad you liked the article sis. I’m sorry you had such an unpleasant experience. Unfortunately most of have been mis-educated about sex. Instead of exploring with your partner and figuring out what feels good to you both, we rely on what we see in porn and take it personally when your partner doesn’t enjoy it! That’s crazy to me now, but when I was younger I didn’t understand sex at all.

  7. Avatar

    Strap on sex is a common practice for playful couples but before you can enjoy it fully, it’s important to understand the different types of strap ons before you consider buying a strap-on dildo .

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