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Why Lesbians Need to Stop Moving on So Quickly After a Break Up

Think about your dating patterns. Photo courtesy of http://celliie.tumblr.com

Think about your dating patterns. Photo courtesy of Celliie.


Written by Aryka Randall/The Fab Femme Mag

How many times have you, as a black lesbian, gotten out of a long term relationship and watched your ex-girlfriend move on at the speed of light with some other woman or even worse, some guy? It’s happened to all of us at least once.

Lesbians who are guilty of  quickly moving along will argue that this happens in heterosexual relationships as well, but lets get real folks, this shit runs rampant in gay relationships involving women.

Why do women feel the need to move on so quickly after a relationship ends?You have one person who leaves the relationship and runs off into the sunset with someone new, and you have the other person who’s left picking up the pieces of their shattered heart. Social media sites like Instagram and Facebook have become a hub for lesbians to post about whoever the current love of their life is this week. One month they’re in love with “their soulmate” and the next month they’re in love with someone new whom they’ve only known for a few weeks. This begs the question; were you really never emotionally invested into your ex or do you just have a serious problem being alone?

Moving on at the speed of light is a terrible decision. Here are 5 reasons why:

  1. You look crazy. Flat out. Sorry if none of your friends have clued you in on how moving from girl to girl every week makes you look like an ass, but it does.
  2. You obviously can’t stand to be alone. Don’t try to hit us with that “I could be alone if I really wanted to” BS either. We all know you can’t be alone with your thoughts and that’s okay. The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem.
  3. You never find yourself. You literally have NO time to figure out who you are as a sole entity before entering into another relationship. How are you supposed to know what you need from another person when you don’t even have a clue as to who you are yet? Questions that need answers Sway.
  4. You bring energy from your past into your present. When two people spend time together on a regular basis and engage in sexual activity with one another, they exchange energy. Don’t expect to start something new with someone new when you’re still harboring energy from an old situation. Seriously, it doesn’t work like that folks.
  5. Finally, have some respect for the woman you shared precious moments of your life with. Think about how it must hurt her to see you move on in a short time with someone you hardly even know after you, after you ended things with her.

As we all know, women can be very emotional creatures. Sometimes the thought of being alone with our thoughts isn’t an appealing one. Often times it means that we have do dig through our skeletons and deal with all the emotions we’ve been trying to avoid reliving. Regardless of how much it hurts, it has to be done so you can grow and evolve as a person.

If you’re reading this and you’re a serial monogamist, get help! No seriously, all jokes aside, take a minute to step back and look at the mess you’re making on top of another mess. There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself time to move on from whoever broke your heart. Be patient, be trusting, build her and she will come.

This article was first published by The Fab Femme Mag on October 19, 2015 and republished here with permission.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Avatar
    Kay Brown

    I truly don’t understand why this is focused only on Lesbians, truth is we all do it.

    • Avatar
      Chasity moore

      I totally agree with you on that!!! I think it’s unfair to single out lesbians as a whole. However there are so trues in this statement however the tone in this message comes off more like judgment rather than a teaching moment.

  2. Avatar
    Deidra Gunn-Knight

    I agree with all of them, except I feel that #1 should be the least of your concern. If you’re fresh out of a relationship, chances are you’ve cared about what someone else thought for that entire relationship and now is your chance (singleness) to look however the fuck you want, without a second thought. At least for while. I always need that totally self-centered phase, when I’m fresh out of prison–I mean a turbulent breakup. Healing is my only focus.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      I hear you Deidra, but people who run from relationship to relationship aren’t healing and often they end up hurting someone else.

      • Avatar
        Janice Staton

        When you leave a relationship it for a reason.I can only speak for me 27yrs in the last 5 I told her we have some problems but it’s seems I am the only one that see it.The last 2 I have come to terms that thing are never going to change.I have never cheated I would never hurt her like that. But I have decided to save me from the hurt that I feel.And I have been by myself for 7yrs living with someone I didn’t want to hurt.So I owe myself happiness with someone who just may consider my feelings.ijs

        • Avatar

          My exact situation. 15 relationship, last 4 years we slept in separate rooms, she still wouldn’t do the things needed to fix our relationship so I cut it.

      • Black Lesbian Love Lab
        Black Lesbian Love Lab

        Janice, you absolutely deserve to be happy and to take care of yourself. I don’t think this article is focused on you. You did the best you could! 27 years is a long time to commit to a relationship. I’m sorry things didn’t work out!

  3. Avatar

    This is so crazy but true … My ex girlfriend of 6year broke up with me and got married to a person she only new for 6mos .. And the crazy thing about it she wrote me on fb and told she was having her baby and getting married to this young lady that she only been dating for a short time I believe this young lady is 21 and my ex girlfriends. Is 30 with a 6year old son but .. I just felt like maybe I have a old soul because I don’t jump from relationship to relationship I get myself together so I can do better in the next relationship but your blog. Was very on point so thank you …

    • Avatar

      I was once your ex…but in my case my ex hurt me to the core after 7 years i decided to call it quits…no i didnt marry tge other woman or have her child..but i thought the girl had the capacity at 20 years old to love me the way i THOUGHT i wanted and needed to be loved…it backfired..!! At 25 years old i was at a totally diff space in my life…it was good for a season…and it was also a lesson well learned!

  4. Avatar
    Joy Smith

    This is a good article! Lesbians should take more time before they move on to a new relationship. Many have children they need to consider along with everything else. You should never be so quick because sometimes the wrong person comes into your life. Too many of these relationships start with flames and end in ashes! Even some of what Steve Harvey states in his book could apply too!

  5. Avatar

    You can be with a person for 5 years and not know that person. You can meet another person and know them only for a couple months and feel a bigger connection with that person. As long as there is a connection a time frame wouldn’t really matter

  6. Avatar
    Jess mata

    I was with someone for 3 yrs she left out of town to visit her Dad and i found out she lied only to get back with her X I waited for her for 8 months promising me she was coming back so I started dating I met a good woman but she just got out of a 5 yr relationship 3 months ago.. Im really happy with this new relationship and so is she do you think we moved to fast?

  7. Avatar

    I’m black and I haven’t been with anyone in over a year. One of the main reasons is because I’m waiting on the right woman to catch my eye and makes my heart skip a beat. Rushing into relationship is stupid because 95% of them don’t ever last long and that’s not what I want so last year I told myself no more drive by relationship for me. Maybe more lesbian should try this too

  8. Avatar

    2, 3, and 4 are on point but 1 and 5 are irrelevant. Once you breakup the focus should be on you and your healing, not what anyone thinks about you or how your ex feels. Also, this is not only rampant in the lesion community. I have a few straight male friends who have done this as well. They get with the new woman after a long marriage/relationship and say that the new relationship is “much better” than before but the question they and many regardless of gender in this situation don’t ask themselves is are THEY better after the last relationship. If steps 2, 3, and 4 doesn’t happen then there is no way to be better. The issues that helped to end the last relationship will just come up again.

  9. Avatar
    waiting on love

    I was wit my x for 6yrs and now she’s back talking to men since we’ve been apart she’s on her third relationship with a man. She told me that she’s afraid to be alone how do I tell her to stop focusing on being in a relationship and focus on herself and her kids

  10. Avatar

    This is definitely a great read! I was recently in a relationship that left me broken, deeply hurt and confused. We met in March 2014 after she had just ended her previous relationship of 5 years. However, I had been single and celibate for 3 years because I was enjoying loving me prior to meeting her. We did move fast but when we first met before any form of intimacy, our souls connected and later we mutually decided to commit to one another in July 2014. Our relationship went through so much in 4 months I worked 7 days a week 12-16 hours a day and she had to transport the kids to school, maintain the bills, shop for the house and anything else that may have came up as well as our teenagers outings and events. When I was not working I would make it my priority by going the extra mile to ensure that our teenagers as well as she was always doing good. I love to cater to my mate cooking dinner, cleaning the house, running baths, full body massages, laundry, flowers, gifts with intentional thought, date/movie nights and cuddle time basically if she wanted to all she had to do was just breathe. She worked as well but I only wanted her to rest and do as she wanted not because she had to. In November she officially ended it with some very harsh words but from then until May 2015 we still did eveything as if we were a couple. Then in June 2015 she started acting like I was invisible and said she was tired of looking at me because I disgusted her! I died on the inside and it took awhile to get over. I truly forgave her and to this day still love her very much but I wish her nothing but the best and true happiness. I did have tons of questions I wanted answered but her girlfriend has forbidden her to talk to me period. Yes, it did hurt to see that she moved on like I never existed in her life and we didn’t share in one another’s lives for as long as we did. Now, I’m just cautious and focused on my goals, staying married to my own life and keeping my Father God and Jesus Christ as the center and everything else will come accordingly.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Wow Allie, so sad to hear your story. As difficult as it may be to hear, I’m wondering why you placed her needs above yours? That’s a fatal mistake most people make in relationships.

      • Avatar

        Honestly, I wanted to help her heal from the many things she had endured in her past. Basically, to also show her that as someone who is a survivor that it was possible to heal and to receive as well as give love and be totally happy. I do not look at it as a fatal mistake rather as a divine reason that brought us together for a moment. I am a truly optimistic woman and believe in what others deem impossible. I was suppose to plant a seed in her life that she has to water now in order for her to be who she is destined to be.

        • Avatar

          This is an old article so i have no idea if you’ll see this but you are truly a remarkable woman who will make someone hit the jackpot!

  11. Avatar

    I AM TRULY GUILTY of JUMPING IN AND OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS. My reasons for that is because I don’t want to feel any kind of pain or loss. I need validation and I don’t want to be alone. My God has done for me what I couldn’t do for myself, how about using another person to get over another person doesn’t work anymore. It never worked if I tell the truth to myself, the very things I run from always resurface. Now I am forced to deal with me, my last relationship hurt me to the core of my soul. I went against everything I believed in and opened my heart to love this woman. I loved her on purpose, I trusted her with my heart and she broke it. Now I’m doing some real healing, I’m focused on what part I play in the the diminish of all my relationships. Running from person to person dragging all the baggage from every failed relationship with me. How could I ever find that real love when I’m starting out with fears, resentments, trust issues, and more issues that I haven’t even tapped into. It starts with me and today I choose to mentally, physically and spiritually live better, so whatever Gods has for me I can embrace it with a pure heart.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Wow Tracey, you’re doing some powerful reflection! That is the best gift you can give to yourself and any woman who comes into your life next. Don’t forget to be kind and loving to yourself during this process. ?

  12. Avatar

    I was in a relationship for 5 and 1/2 years. The last two where hell. Her problem was she listening to everyone else. I invested my money in a home that’s not minds ,I gave up a great job,moved miles away from my family. I allowed her to keep her City job she stayed in NYC 5 day a week. I stayed and watch her 3 kids. Only to learn. She was cheating on me. There was no respect,loyalty,honor. To top it all off I found out on facebook she was celebrating her anniversary with her woman. So I’m hurt deep down to my core. And now she with the next lady. Myself I need time to heal so I can find the right lady to be with. Because I’m to old for games.

  13. Avatar

    Truth be told, doesn’t matter the label. People, do this, period.
    When one is quick to run to YOU, no questions asked, you already have the answer, as to what will happen, when your firework fades out.

  14. Avatar

    I think we have to be a little careful because like one of the other readers, I too felt the article smacked of judgment. We are all at different levels of awareness. My relationship ended because of extenuating circumstances. She is an alcoholic. I tried to hold on. Tried to be there for her but the only one that can truly help her is her. She’s already in another relationship. She swears she feels about this person a way she’s never felt about me. And I’m okay with that because I KNOW I put 150% into our relationship and that may have been the problem. She never hit rock bottom, never realize how bad of a problem her drinking was because I was always there to cushion the fall. Just like her new chick will.

    So when I speak about different levels of awareness and extenuating circumstances, my situation is a perfect example. So many of us are ignoring pain, masking and medicating pain and failing to realize how it bleeds over and infects our relationships. So while your article holds valid points noting is ever black and white or easy when it comes to love.

  15. Avatar

    Broken- 8 days before our nine year anniversary I woke up and was very emotional and said to my girlfriend I’m no longer going to mention marriage to you because at that point I felt like I had waited so long that my patients was up and I wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough for her and why she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with me the way I wanted to with her. So we didn’t have breakfast and I said as I was walking to go upstairs maybe I should let you go so that you can find happiness and she interpreted this as get out. Truth is she wanted to leave and she used this as an excuse. She then went on to get an apartment 2 days later and wouldn’t even tell me where it was. It not like we were abusive in any way to each other, there is more to this but I feel like I am owed an explanation and when did she become unhappy and why didn’t she tell me? I also think she is on a spiritual journey as she is Muslim and I don’t think she feels she can be true to who she is and still serve here GOD . I am miserable and lost.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. Wow. That’s truly heartbreaking. It may be too soon to try to talk to her, but please sis, find support in friends and family and even see a counselor if possible.

  16. Avatar

    My mother passed in my arms and I was heartbroken. This didn’t happen long ago either. My father passed 4 months almost to the day, before my mom too.
    I had to find out on my own the woman I was going to marry, married another woman, within months and the same month as our Anniversary. She never told me once about another woman, I found out all on Face Book. I didn’t know what to grieve. I was also traumatized losing my mother, so quickly, in my arms. The woman that broke my heart, was my fiancé, my partner and best friend for 8 years. I just left her home, that I was moving to and she was instantly with a stranger to me. She hasn’t once apologized for breaking me down and my heart badly. I feel like she believes she above an apology and talking with me, being honest. WOW I never imagined for a second she was capable of being so heartless.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Oh sis. Sending you a big bear hug as you recover. Losing so much is a heavy, heavy blow. Please find support with any remaining family and friends and look into finding a support group. There are some great ones online if you can’t find some nearby.

  17. Avatar

    No to this article. Ladies, this is not the way… It is not fair to say you aren’t able to be alone or to imply that moving on with your life should come to a pause because your partners are suffering through the mourning step of the end of a relationship. These are not mature solutions… this article seems baseless and not researched and quite frankly sounds SO BITTER.

    Moving on at the speed of light is a terrible decision. Here are 5 reasons why:
    1.You look crazy. – How do you look Crazy for moving on?? How do you look crazy for saying this is not for me and I’m not here to mourn it because I am mature enough to realize this isn’t it. You don’t look Crazy…. Stop. You’re not crazy. This is focusing too much on peoples opinion of your life and how you live it versus what you find satisfying for you. There are consequences for everything, so if you are doing things at the expense of another person Sure… you’re an asshole but it’s not up to you to decide what people think about you. GET AWAY FROM THIS THINKING. ITS TOXIC.

    2.You obviously can’t stand to be alone. – NO. NOPE. NUH UH! This is what a lot of women hear TOO OFTEN. If you want to date. DATE. If you want to Relationship then RELATIONSHIP. There is nothing obvious here other than your ability to say ok I’m moving on from this. If you recognize you have anxiety about being in your company lover or not seek help for working through those issue via therapy or life coach.

    3.You never find yourself. – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We must stop putting the finding of ourselves in the same space as the relationship. And by that I mean your finding of yourself ‘hopefully is not built around your relationships. Self discovery is a constant. You’re finding yourself… you’re finding out who you are in these relationships and out of them. Again remember consequence but nah… you finding yourself boo.

    4.You bring energy from your past into your present. NO. Maybe if you’re not in a mature space and not practicing transparency, sure. My past is a part of me, the difference is learning to accept it and come to resolution about what you have been through this CAN happen with or without a partner.
    #5 is so irrelevant I don’t even feel like breaking it down. We have got to get rid of this narrative in relationship spaces. You are a feeling being free to feel and do. The writer of this article needs a hug and some therapy.

  18. Avatar

    I just sent this link to my ex. Everything you wrote is so true.

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