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About Our Family

Why This Stud is Focused on Family, Not Sex

Written by Trena Harris


Forget everything you thought you knew about black lesbian studs. I’m not the one. I’m 25 years old and have been with my wife for three years and married for a year. We are raising a beautiful four-year-old daughter.


We have sex maybe twice a month.


TV or society overall wants you to think that all lesbians do is have nonstop sex. And black lesbians have this idea that all studs want to do is to play with women’s feelings just so they can get the panties.


That is not me. My focus is on loving and protecting my wife and daughter.


There is a difference between making love and fucking


I’m not going to lie, when I was younger I was getting it in nonstop. Once I left one girl, I had another lined up. I could easily get girls to drop their panties, no questions. But there is a difference between making love and fucking.


With my wife, it felt different so I didn’t focus on sex with her at all. Plus, I no longer wanted to be categorized as a stud who only wanted sex.


I Had to Become a Woman She Trusted

I had known my wife for 10 years before we started dating. I had to change once I started dating her, because I knew she had been through a lot plus the heartbreak of having her daughter’s father walk out on her. She had such a hard time trusting, so I had to walk away from that lifestyle of moving from one woman to the next.


Like most couples, in the beginning of our relationship, we had a lot of sex. We lived with our parents and so we had to get a hotel room. And we would have sex every time.


When we moved into a one-bedroom apartment, we had sex a lot too, but we had our daughter sleeping in the same room. So we had to wait until she was at her grandparents’ house.


When we moved into our two-bedroom apartment, we had already gotten used to having sex only when our daughter wasn’t at home with us. But this doesn’t mean we don’t want sex and that doesn’t mean we don’t have it either.


My Family is Everything

black lesbian family smiles

The author (left) with her wife, Leslie, and their daughter, Gabrielle.

My wife and I  are both focused on doing what we have to do for our daughter. I watched my mother raise me and my twin without my father. She struggled, but she got it done. She didn’t make excuses.


With my daughter growing up without a father like I did, I knew I had to take on being a father figure to her as well as a loving mother. I needed to show her that there are people outside of her biological family who will love and accept her. I’ve been doing that since she was 2 and now she’s about to be 5.


At this level, it’s about respecting each other.  I couldn’t ask for a better woman in my life. My wife loves when we cuddle because she feels protected and loved. But don’t get it twisted, when each of us wants to have sex, we both know how to put it down.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Join the discussion

  1. Avatar
    Jo Meads

    Have you ever thought about Demisexual, where sex is not that important to you but the emotional connection between you two is stronger. Most people focus more on the sex part of being gay when there are different degrees of sexuality on both sides gay and straight. Much love to the mind, soul and then the body.

  2. Avatar
    shay p

    I’ve been with my Partner 14 years and over the last 2 yrs our sex is none existent! To see us you’d never know that’s the case . I guess it stopped being about sex and more about our emotional peace . We’re extremely passionate towards one another and can’t wait to hear each other’s voice . The fact we’re both going thru menopause plays a major part too ! lol

  3. Avatar
    jo meads

    Yes, i am a Demisexual. It is so hard to find someone these days to understand that term. I’ve been single so long I’ve stop counting the years. I’ve often wondered if most Demisexuals are depressed.

  4. Avatar
    Felecia Anderson


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