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Why You Shouldn’t Worry About Your Girlfriend Getting Back With Her Ex

Written by Zamara Perri

Trust is absolutely essential to a healthy relationship. It is the cement that holds it all together. Yet women stay with women they distrust all the time. Because we love her more than we love being healthy, we would rather hold on to a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship that causes us pain than move on.

A woman in one of my online groups wanted advice after she walked into a room and found her girlfriend on the phone with the ex.

As soon as she walked into the room, the girlfriend walked out of the room and continued to talk with her ex for a long time. The woman wrote that she was extremely hurt by what her girlfriend did. In fact she felt disrespected and asked the women in this group if they would “let their girlfriend talk to the ex.” Everyone said, hell no.

I was the only one who said, why not? I said it makes no sense to me that a grown woman would feel the need to tell her grown partner who she can and cannot speak to.

The woman contacted me privately and shared her real concern: the ex girlfriend had been trying to get her back and she was worried that her partner was going to leave her. My response to her was, let her go!

Now before you say I’m crazy, let me explain. Honestly, the heart wants what the heart wants. There is no amount of policing and controlling that’s ever going to stop your girlfriend from going after the woman she wants. That means if it’s you she wants, she will act like it and will not disrespect you or give you reasons to be insecure, jealous or distrustful.

You Can’t Build With Distrust

If you are afraid of your girlfriend leaving you for someone else, it is because y’all did not do the work it takes to create a strong foundation in your relationship. And this is not a judgement; it’s a fact.

Most of us don’t. That’s why the divorce rate is so high in heterosexual marriages and why so many lesbians have a new love of their life every three months.

I’m not gonna lie. In the beginning both me and my partner were uncomfortable with the relationships we had with our exes.

The relationships we had with our exes weren’t close–we weren’t talking on the phone every day or hanging out every weekend or telling our exes our private business.

But there was still discomfort. So we sat down and talked about it. I felt safe expressing my concerns with my love. We were understanding and accepting of each other’s concerns and insecurities and so our relationship progressed.

Another reason we progressed was because of the way she treated me overall. She was consistently loving and respectful. Had she treated me with anything less than love and respect, I would have been gone.

Build Trust Every Day

What you’re dealing with in your relationship today is based on what you created yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.

People say they want to build a healthy relationship but don’t know the first thing about laying the right foundation!

Building a loving and trusting relationship is hard work and not everyone is cut out for manual labor. And make no mistake, relationships take manual labor. But most of us don’t want to get our hands dirty.

We just want to show up, be cute, have an already perfect partner and a relationship that looks cute in pictures, have no problems, go on trips and eat at fancy restaurants.

No one wants a fixer upper.

No one wants to build a relationship from the ground up.

But the fact is, most of us are fixer uppers meaning we have had past relationships. Most of us have been hurt, wounded and have terrible habits that are harmful to your relationships.

It’s up to you and your partner to decide if you can build something beautiful from all the broken, mismatched pieces. And it starts with making a conscious decision to be responsible with your actions and words because when your words match your actions everyday, that’s how you build trust.

The Basics to a Strong Relationship Foundation

To build a strong lesbian relationship you need some basics for your foundation and you can’t negotiate or take a discount on any of these materials: commitment, accountability, communication, respect, friendship and trust.

When you have those materials, you don’t need to worry about your girlfriend leaving you for another woman. And when you have challenges from the outside, you work on facing them together, not fighting each other.

Instead of complaining to your friends or pouting in a corner when your partner does something you don’t like, respect her enough to let her know what’s bothering you. That’s how you build friendship and trust.

Your Relationship Can’t Thrive With a Rocky Foundation

Distrust and disrespect in a relationship is like water leaking into a cracked foundation of a house. It’s going to seep through more and more and when there comes a storm, it will be completely destroyed.

Have you ever tried sleeping in a wet, funky and musty basement? I guess it can be done, but it’s not healthy. Without trust your house is uninhabitable.

So if you are just going to sit around complaining or being butt hurt because you and your partner are too lazy to do the renovations, you might as well move on. It doesn’t make sense to stay while the house completely crumbles.

Models: Alma Russell and her wife, Portia Richaé.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

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  1. Avatar
    L Walker


  2. Avatar

    This is all so true ! I wish I could join the group but I don’t have Facebook!

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Hey Tania! What you don’t have FB? Lol. I hope you’re doing well ?

  3. Avatar

    Absolutely true! This is even more spot on when you’re building a relationship based on one person’s last relationship. That’s where exs become even more of a problem AND there’s a lack of trust. Most times I started dealing with a woman on the last leg of their relationship or within a short period after their relationship ended. I was the perfect rebound and Captain Save-A-Chick and the only thing I got was disposal after the woman has rebuilt her confidence and strength. There’s always that paranoia of her going back to the ex or moving on quickly when you put yourself in a position to be a rebound.

    There’s a lot more confidence, trust and transparency in the relationship when you’re not starting at the end of another one. That’ll set the stage for everything in this article.

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    I agree 100% yes I would let my lady talk to her ex. Hell I still talk to mines. If you belong to each other then nothing and I do mean nothing can come between y’all. Love, Respect and Understanding goes hand in hand when it comes to a relationship. Not all relationships end trying to kill each having nothing but hate for one another. Sometimes it can end very bitter moments and the make up doesn’t come until well after the end of the relationship. A relationship can also come to a mutual agreement that the special magic is gone and it isn’t ever coming back but y’all still want that special friendship that doesn’t come by very often in fact maybe once or twice in a lifetime. You make not be able to have it all but to be able to have peace with some of it is mad cool.

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