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Real Talk: Your Girl is Probably Lying to You

A relationship without honesty won't last long.

A relationship without honesty won’t last long.

Written by Zamara Perri

I’ve lied to my partner before. And so have most people, which means your girl is probably lying to you. Why do we lie to others? Because we lie to ourselves. Unfortunately we lie because we think that lying will get us what we want. One of the biggest fantasies for sale is that of “happily ever after.” I would venture to say that 99.5 percent of us believe that the only socially acceptable way to be happy is to be in a romantic relationship of sorts.

And so we’ll do anything to keep that relationship even if that means telling an occasional lie. But how great is a relationship built on lies? Don’t go running to your girl accusing her of lying to you, look in the mirror and ask yourself this question: Why am I lying to my woman?

First, lying is so automatic that we don’t even think about it. So, let’s think about it. When was the last time your honey asked you what was wrong and you said, “Nothing.” Did she believe you? If she was paying attention, of course not. Your body language most likely betrayed you. The look on your face, your tone of voice, even the way you held your head down told her that you’re not fine!

Second, we lie to be polite. We think we are saving our partners from hurt by not always telling them the truth. But honestly, you only end up causing pain in the long run.

Third, we often believe that our relationships can’t survive the truth. That may actually be true. But if the truth will destroy your relationship, then maybe we need to ask the question why.


The truth is, big girls don’t lie. If you want to have a strong, healthy relationship, you cannot keep lying to your girl. Lies have a way of coming out eventually and lies are deadly to your relationship.


How to Start Being Honest With Your Partner

If lying is your automatic mode of communication with your partner, I recommend trying a 30-day truth pact with your partner. No matter what she asks you, tell her the truth. It’s a dangerous test and not every relationship could survive something like this. The truth pact does not mean that you have to tell your partner everything, some things are private and really is none of her business. And if that’s the case, you can honestly say, “Honey, that information is private.”

Before you even attempt a 30-day truth promise with someone else, why not try it with yourself? The main people we lie to every day are ourselves.

Be brutally honest with yourself about who you are, what you want as well as what and WHO is most important to your happiness.

I remember when I finally got real with myself about the loss of an important relationship. I knew she wasn’t the one but still I thought I failed by not trying hard enough. Then after doing some personal work, I forced myself to really evaluate my motives for wanting that relationship back.

The truth was uncomfortable and devastating: I wanted that crappy relationship back even though we made each other miserable because I was lonely. I wanted her attention and being in a relationship made me feel more valuable because it was proof that SOMEBODY “loved” me.

Lies Destroy Lives

What’s the point of all this? We often use our mouths to tell others we want certain things and that is often not true! We lie our way into relationships we do not want not realizing that our bodies align with our hearts not with our lips.

There is a saying that I love: the heart wants what the heart wants. It basically means that we will eventually do whatever it takes to get what we want no matter how much it damages the lives of others.

This has been proven to be true over and over again in all sorts of relationships. The closeted gay man who has been miserably married for 40 years will eventually wake up, stop being afraid of what his community, society and children think, and go after the life he really wants. The couple that should have married each other instead of marrying others for security and societal approval will eventually cheat and lie so they can be with each other.

I decided to write this article because I have wasted people’s time and trampled their hearts because I thought I wanted to be in relationship with them. What I should have done was be honest about my changing feelings.

So, practice being honest with your partner and she will be honest with you. If your partner tells you that she loves you, first find out what her definition of love is and how she shows it. If she says, love looks like kindness, forgiveness, faithfulness, then why do her actions say something completely different?

You can do the same thing by making sure YOUR ACTIONS line up with YOUR WORDS.  If you don’t love her, just set her free. Not for her sake. But for your own, you’ll never be happy and you’ll only end up leaving her down the road.

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Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Join the discussion

  1. Avatar
    Withlove, Tania

    I recently posted something about about a “safe space” just to openly and honestly communicate with your partner and how this gets me in trouble nearly every time. I tell too much of the truth and her called mean. Lol. I actually mentioned your blog in the post too. ☺️

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Hi Tania! Yes! I read your post. I’m one of those people who have a tendency to be a little on the blunt side too. I learned to work on my delivery with help from my very sensitive boo. Honestly, it may take some time for your partner to understand your style of delivery but doesn’t mean she has to like it. Like your post said, you can say anything you want as long as you’ve worked on the tone. I’ve actually ended a relationship because I thought an ex gf was too hard in her delivery of things. Looking back she had some great points but I just wasn’t liking the way she presented the information. And for her my hurt feelings weren’t important enough for her to soften her tone.

      • Avatar
        Withlove, Tania

        I really try to manage my tone so that it doesn’t come off rough. I never want to belittle anyone’s feelings but I should be able to express myself. Just because I don’t express or feel my feelings the same as someone who may be sensitive doesn’t mean I don’t have views or feelings about any situation. I think people forget that other don’t have to agree and it’s ok to disagree. But if someone was blatantly mean to me I would be upset so I try not to be mean. But hey. We can’t please everyone.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      The key is that you agree to disagree. Also using “I feel” language helps clarify that the way you feel has everything to do with you–it’s not an indictment of her. People who want honest conversations with their partners have to be open to hearing the things they don’t like. However, it is important that she feels safe with you and trusts that you have her best intentions at heart ?

  2. Avatar

    Wonderful post! Sttaight facts, all of it.

  3. Avatar

    This article is deep. It’s so much more about being honest with ourselves than our partners. Once we get honest with ourselves and develop the courage to act on that honestly, all else will naturally fall into place. What’s the point of all this? This line resonated with me the most: We lie our way into relationships we do not want not realizing that our bodies align with our hearts not with our lips.

  4. Avatar

    I really needed this article because I’m not being honest with myself about my current relationship and why it’s coming to an end. I love my girl and am in love with her but I don’t feel the same commitment. I’ve felt it for some time but I think because of fear, I’ve tried to do whatever I thought it would take to make her happy even after she kept saying she still wasn’t happy.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Awww sis. Thanks for sharing. My partner has a wonderful saying that I’d like to leave with you: “This or better.” Hope you find the peace and love you’re seeking.

    • Black Lesbian Love Lab
      Black Lesbian Love Lab

      Awwww sis. I’m sorry you a rebirth struggling like this. What is it that she is doing that makes you think she is not committed? Spend time talking and listening to each other. Wishing you clarity and peace sis. ~Zamara

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