Celebrating black lesbian love and relationships!

Your (Lesbian) Relationship Is Toxic, but not for the Reasons You Think!

Your happily ever after is not always connected to partnership.

Your happily ever after is not always connected to partnership.

Written by Lotus Williams

“What’s most concerning for me is the fact that toxic people are constantly looking for others to do what they can’t manage to do for themselves—loving self authentically. It’s impossible to LOVE somebody else when you can’t face yourself and love self first. Period! It’s sad but I’ll say that 95% (or higher) of relationships are toxic because of this.”~ Lotus Williams

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”~Brené Brown

We humans are conditioned to believe that we need to have companionship in order to be healthy. Programming has us believing that we must seek fulfillment vicariously through the sexual partners and material possessions that usually come with a relationship. For women, our worth is undeniably attached to being loyal and achieving longevity in relationships, otherwise known as the “happily ever after.”

In following this blueprint, we forget to embrace one key element to true happiness: the ability to authentically and whole-heartedly exhibit self-love. We have been programmed to think that self-love is an attachment to the material possessions that a two-income household can produce; or that self-love is attached to a groomed narcissistic fetish that only makes others think that we are pretentious.

One of the greatest fears of most human beings is the fear of loneliness. We have been taught that singleness equals loneliness. We have been taught that by age 30, we need to buy into an illusive vision that in order for us to be self actualized, that we must be settled down and ready to bear children. The thought of loneliness can make us feel inadequate and like we are missing out on the true human experience.

I’ve also heard many same-sex couples state that because of marriage equality, we have finally arrived and can finally and peacefully be happy. The overwhelming feeling of being acknowledged and recognized legally is indeed a victory as it provides us the ability to have the same indelible human rights as cisgendered/ heterosexual folk. However, we are also susceptible to habits that can be both toxic and unhealthy in any romantic relationship. One of those toxic habits is compromising all or some of who we are to fit into the nook of our relationships. We are guilty of abandoning parts of us that would stand in contrast to the relationship or to our religious obligations.

Facebook Comments

Article written by:

Zamara Perri

Zamara Perri is the founder and editor of the Black Lesbian Love Lab blog. She loves black love and loves mangoes, cats, reading, cooking and writing about some of the challenges and joys of black lesbian relationships.

Join the discussion

  1. Avatar

    This is everything! Self love really opens the doors to healthy relationships with everyone especially a spouse. Embracing ourselves first, like putting on our own oxygen mask before helping another actually allows us to be present and show up more fully. Thanks BL3 for this site.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: